The Lesson I Haven't Learned

Back in May of 2014 I awoke one morning and couldn't stand up straight. Much like a middle aged man in a TV sitcom, I was stuck in a bent over position, holding my back. The weird thing was, I had no idea why. What I assumed would be a short lived pain became a life long hell.

After that day I never returned to my previous, pain free self. I was able to stand again, thank God, but there has always been pain and lots of it. I had been seeing a chiropractor prior to that day because my hips felt strange. In reality it was inflamed sacroiliac joints that I was feeling, but I didn't know it at the time and neither did the chiropractor. He just kept adjusting me which actually increased the inflammation, thereby the pain every time. 

Next I went to physical therapy where I was told my core wasn't strong enough, a pretty standard answer given to anyone with low back pain. I tried to hold in my offense and skepticism as I'd spent the last 10 years as an active personal trainer and runner. I thought, "My word, I must be a horrible trainer! I have a six pack and yet a weak core!?" I tried all of the tricks my PT threw my way, but the daily pain persisted. May I say I was mildly relieved that a weak core was not to blame?

I once again saw my primary care doctor and this was when the real fun started. I began to see specialists, try medical procedures involving needles larger than you can imagine, medicines that gave me migraines and even spent far more than my, by this time, single income family, could afford on a surgery that did nothing but increase the pain. Nothing helped. Pain was my living (and sleeping) nightmare.

In February of 2016 I finally received a diagnosis: Ankylosing Spondylitis, an inflammatory disease that affects the joints, primarily the spine. This meant there would never be a quick fix, surgery or medicine to heal me. Having a diagnosis was nice, I no longer felt insane and could give people an answer when they asked what was wrong with me (although giving them the name of a disease that sounds like a species of dinosaur isn't overly helpful). And there were promising medications to, at least, help the symptoms. Since the diagnosis, I have met with my rheumatologist nearly a dozen times, tried half a dozen new drugs but still to no avail. For whatever reason, I am destined to a life of daily pain.

As a believer in Christ, one of the frustrations I have struggled with during this journey is the popular belief that there must be a "lesson" amidst the pain and my faith must be weak if I struggle with my current circumstance in life. I have issues with this; let me explain why...

The idea that there is a lesson in the pain sounds something like this to someone going through trial. "If you just learn the lesson; figure out what God is trying to teach you, you can be out of your misery." And therefore if someone, such as myself, continues to struggle the question is, "Am I so dim-witted as to not be able to figure it out?" Of course not! But this is the sort of message we paint when we spout such beliefs. Admittedly, I have learned many lessons during my journey and I'm sure I will learn many more. But I don't think God put me in this place to teach me something. Rather, I believe I am a victim of a fallen world. It stinks! But it's truth. And no lesson will pull me out of my misery.

The second fallacy: my faith must be weak if I struggle with my circumstance. No one outright says this but in backhanded ways they do. They applaud the social media posts where I give praise in my struggle and tell me how awesome my faith is. And yet tell tell me to "lift my eyes to the hills" when I express despair or else post nothing at all. I question how many have lived in the trenches? Truly, truly lived a life filled with pain? A life with more limitations than they have abilities (or so it seems)? Watched as their friends go to events while they sit home unable to attend, knowing this is most likely forever? I believe it's ok to question God. To cry out to God. To struggle with the pain/trial. If you search, you will find the Psalms are full of such cries. Ps 13:1-2 How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever? ... How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and day after day have sorrow in my heart?

One of my favorite verses comes from 2 Corinthians 12 where Paul discusses the thorn in his flesh. We are not privy to the knowledge of what the thorn is, however we can fathom it's quite the burden as Paul says, "three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away." And what was God's reply? Was it, "Only after you've learned your lesson"? Or "Why can't you just be content?" No, our Sovereign, Loving, Heavenly Father said, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."

I am just one of many going through what may be a life long trial, but at least I don't have to go it alone. Even when my strength is not enough, even when I'm crying out in pain, God's grace is sufficient and that's enough for me!