Harry Potter Meets Jim Carrey

I'm not sure how many of you are familiar with an old movie starring Jim Carrey where he is given the power to grant people's prayers, essentially play God, for a time. His response is to say "yes " to every prayer which, as you can imagine, leads to some regrettable outcomes.     

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Awoken to audible peals of laughter, I arose from my sleep, only to realize the laughs were mine. (Whoops, I do that sometimes. Better than snoring, right?) At once memories of an amazing dream surfaced, one where I lived in an apartment complex and was secretly allowed to grant people's wishes. Many of the people's wishes involved fairytale like objects: magic wands, hats with giant plumes and invisibility capes. There was one kindly gentleman who, upon being granted his wish, was so giddy with his new found "power" he began to wreak havoc upon the apartment. Levitating, spinning and flying objects began to chase us throughout the halls. After I became hit with one especially nasty medal object, regrettably I knew I would have to take back all of the wishes I had granted. The gentleman apologized afterwards, recognizing how the new power had affected him. He had no intentions of being so wily and meant no harm, all he sought was a little fun and all I wanted was to surprise my friends with happiness.

You can be jealous, it was an awesome dream! But, as you know, not all things in my life are quite as awesome. I have been overheard saying that if I could be granted one wish it would be purely selfish and to be cured. Yep, you read that correctly. I'm not the superstar you thought, right? But I believe it's natural to want to escape pain/trial so while I wish I was above it, I'm not. I've been bitter and angry with God about my suffering, my AS and my seemingly ever growing list of health problems. And I think, "Why won't you heal me?!"

Cue 2 Corinthians 12 again, where Paul discusses his ambiguous thorn. Again, we don't know what the pain Paul must endure is, just that God has not, in his wisdom, chosen to relieve Paul of it. Paul says, "to keep me from becoming proud, I was given a thorn in my flesh" (NLT). Perhaps Paul would  have caused massive amounts of levitating and zooming objects without his thorn?

Romans 11.33-34 "oh the depths of the riches and wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are his judgements and how inscrutable are his ways? For who has known the mind of the Lord or who has been his counselor?" (ESV)

There is a reason Jim Carrey is not God (can I get a big fat A-men to that one?) and there is a reason I'm not either. I wake up in the morning and have no idea where my pants are let alone how to get the sun to rise or whose prayers I should say yes and no to. God is abundantly larger than me and my little mind, his knowledge I cannot comprehend.  Albeit frustrating at times when I don't understand but perhaps, much like the kindly gentlemen in my dream, as well meaning as I might be, I might not be able to stop myself from taking out neighbors with flying toys, brooms and refrigerators. Sometimes the answer is no and I just have to trust that there is a reason. 

God is good all the time, it just doesn't always feel like it

Uh, God, I Think You Forgot Something...

It was exactly one week after I woke up and couldn't stand that Joe and I went to an adoption seminar to learn about the needs and types of adoption. This was for Joe's benefit, I had wanted to adopt since I could remember thanks to a Korean adopted cousin. (Hearts, Wendy). I knew I wanted to adopt and I knew I wanted it to be international. Joe was more nervous but open to the idea because he figured if God had put this desire that strongly on my heart there must be a reason. 

We left the meeting knowing we would adopt.

The following month we made our decision public and met with our social worker to begin our home study. I was having back pain at the time but saw no reason to mention it as I truly believed the pain was structural and would be cleared up after a few more Physical Therapy appointments. We marched forward fearlessly believing God would move mountains on behalf of whatever child He had waiting for us.

In December I finally began to admit to others that something was wrong with me and I was suffering from what could now be coined "chronic pain." This was when things got weird. Well intentioned Christians began to tell me that Satan hates adoption and He was attacking me because we were adopting. I was told my health was being attacked because, as a personal trainer, my health mattered more to me than most and Satan attacks where it hurts. I was told God would rescue in the 11th hour, that He's rarely early but He's never late. Essentially all of these messages made it sound like my health problems were adoption problems, Satan coming out to attack because we were adopting. And I grew to believe in this beautiful fairytale of the evil dragon Satan being slay by the white knight Jesus mere days before Princess Stephanie had to board her plane to India.

Our adoption journey was met with many snags. We had a new judge which delayed us bringing our precious SamyLynn home three months. I felt at peace because I thought it would give the new medication the time it needed to ease my suffering. The medication didn't work. Then things got held up again and we didn't know why but I was okay because I had a new medication to hope in. This medication also didn't work. We found out the court was on strike which was the reason for the long delay and was going to add more wait time yet. Another medication, another hope... In the back of my mind during the entire wait I kept thinking, "God, when are you going to fix this pain? I have to go to India to get my daughter. Now? Will it be now? You promised! I'm being faithful. I'm doing what you asked." 

We waited an unheard of 22 months after being matched with our sweet baby, more months than the age she was when we were first matched, before we were able to board the plane to pick up our daughter. During the entire wait, I thought the delays were so I could heal because others had eluded to this being some sort of spiritual battle. But when I boarded the plane, my back was just as bad, if not worse, than before. We had to spend thousands extra so I could fly business class to get me over the ocean.

I know people were well meaning in their insights, but ultimately their encouragements were hurtful. Job 11.7 "Who can fathom the mysteries of God?" God's ways are so much bigger and greater. God did have plans for us, plans to prosper us, to give us a hope and a future (Isaiah 29.11). 

I'd done my part. I'd always felt called to adopt. I'd even spoken with a pastor and asked if I should pull out in regards to my health but still felt called to move forward. So what was God doing? 

Well... we spent thousands upon thousands on my health and somehow, even after all of that spending, we were able to afford a $40,000 adoption on a mechanic's salary.

During our time in India, while I did have pain, I was somehow able to manage all of the appointments we had to go to with an overall minimal amount of agony and a fairly quick recovery time.

We are home! Five months later we are home with this sweet, sassy three-yr-old who has found her way into the family and cares very much for everyone including "my mommy" as she calls me with the "owy on her back." 

God has been faithful. He has not forgotten us. We made the mistake of going ahead and telling God what to do, rather than waiting for God to show up. I think of Elijah on the mountain looking for God in the fire and the winds but it was in the still, small voice. God has been enough and He will continue to be enough if only I'm willing to accept Him as He appears. 

The Lesson I Haven't Learned

Back in May of 2014 I awoke one morning and couldn't stand up straight. Much like a middle aged man in a TV sitcom, I was stuck in a bent over position, holding my back. The weird thing was, I had no idea why. What I assumed would be a short lived pain became a life long hell.

After that day I never returned to my previous, pain free self. I was able to stand again, thank God, but there has always been pain and lots of it. I had been seeing a chiropractor prior to that day because my hips felt strange. In reality it was inflamed sacroiliac joints that I was feeling, but I didn't know it at the time and neither did the chiropractor. He just kept adjusting me which actually increased the inflammation, thereby the pain every time. 

Next I went to physical therapy where I was told my core wasn't strong enough, a pretty standard answer given to anyone with low back pain. I tried to hold in my offense and skepticism as I'd spent the last 10 years as an active personal trainer and runner. I thought, "My word, I must be a horrible trainer! I have a six pack and yet a weak core!?" I tried all of the tricks my PT threw my way, but the daily pain persisted. May I say I was mildly relieved that a weak core was not to blame?

I once again saw my primary care doctor and this was when the real fun started. I began to see specialists, try medical procedures involving needles larger than you can imagine, medicines that gave me migraines and even spent far more than my, by this time, single income family, could afford on a surgery that did nothing but increase the pain. Nothing helped. Pain was my living (and sleeping) nightmare.

In February of 2016 I finally received a diagnosis: Ankylosing Spondylitis, an inflammatory disease that affects the joints, primarily the spine. This meant there would never be a quick fix, surgery or medicine to heal me. Having a diagnosis was nice, I no longer felt insane and could give people an answer when they asked what was wrong with me (although giving them the name of a disease that sounds like a species of dinosaur isn't overly helpful). And there were promising medications to, at least, help the symptoms. Since the diagnosis, I have met with my rheumatologist nearly a dozen times, tried half a dozen new drugs but still to no avail. For whatever reason, I am destined to a life of daily pain.

As a believer in Christ, one of the frustrations I have struggled with during this journey is the popular belief that there must be a "lesson" amidst the pain and my faith must be weak if I struggle with my current circumstance in life. I have issues with this; let me explain why...

The idea that there is a lesson in the pain sounds something like this to someone going through trial. "If you just learn the lesson; figure out what God is trying to teach you, you can be out of your misery." And therefore if someone, such as myself, continues to struggle the question is, "Am I so dim-witted as to not be able to figure it out?" Of course not! But this is the sort of message we paint when we spout such beliefs. Admittedly, I have learned many lessons during my journey and I'm sure I will learn many more. But I don't think God put me in this place to teach me something. Rather, I believe I am a victim of a fallen world. It stinks! But it's truth. And no lesson will pull me out of my misery.

The second fallacy: my faith must be weak if I struggle with my circumstance. No one outright says this but in backhanded ways they do. They applaud the social media posts where I give praise in my struggle and tell me how awesome my faith is. And yet tell tell me to "lift my eyes to the hills" when I express despair or else post nothing at all. I question how many have lived in the trenches? Truly, truly lived a life filled with pain? A life with more limitations than they have abilities (or so it seems)? Watched as their friends go to events while they sit home unable to attend, knowing this is most likely forever? I believe it's ok to question God. To cry out to God. To struggle with the pain/trial. If you search, you will find the Psalms are full of such cries. Ps 13:1-2 How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever? ... How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and day after day have sorrow in my heart?

One of my favorite verses comes from 2 Corinthians 12 where Paul discusses the thorn in his flesh. We are not privy to the knowledge of what the thorn is, however we can fathom it's quite the burden as Paul says, "three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away." And what was God's reply? Was it, "Only after you've learned your lesson"? Or "Why can't you just be content?" No, our Sovereign, Loving, Heavenly Father said, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."

I am just one of many going through what may be a life long trial, but at least I don't have to go it alone. Even when my strength is not enough, even when I'm crying out in pain, God's grace is sufficient and that's enough for me!