I will return to Cincinnati on Monday for a pain discussion. It would be a total and complete lie to say this was in my plan, but after spending the entire summer lying on my couch and a very cool, but not-so-fun lawn chair, it was time. We are hoping an MRI will show what went wrong after surgery and they will be able to fix it.
This summer has been filled with days of feeling hopeful and feeling completely helpless. I have learned that my level of pain is very much tied to my level of hopefulness or depression. When I'm in less pain it's easier to feel optimistic; however, when the pain is high the tendency to feel without hope and in despair is much easier to fall into.
On those days when my hope is low and my future looks bleak I envision my life being weighed down by countless hours and years spent forced on my back. I see myself being able to do little more than work the remote, read and lie on my belly to draw. I picture my adoption to my beautiful daughter being ruined by my condition. I envision family vacations taken without me and all family play times being enjoyed by others while I lie nearby and watch them play.
With such back pain, I really am limited to lying down 95% of the time. More than five minutes of standing or sitting begin to cause pain, so after standing or sitting for any length of time, I must go and lie back down. With such extreme disability. it feels as though I am watching my life pass by; I am a viewer in my own life.
However, and here is the good part, God has put into my life countless friends who are helping to carry me through this very difficult season. In Luke 5 there was a paralyzed man who was unable to make it to Jesus to be healed and he had good friends who carried him to Jesus on a mat. I am that man being carried right now. When my faith is low, my friends are carrying me. When my faith is weak, it is my friends faith that helps me along. When my hope of my adoption being crushed, the faith and belief of others is the mat I lie on.
2 Samuel 22 David writes a poem about God being angry in regards to David's suffering and rescuing Him. He refers to God as His rock, refuge, shield, and fortress.
Many, many times I have not felt as though God has been any of these things for me. I have felt abandoned and alone. Regardless of my feelings, I have never been abandoned or alone. God is near me and he has been by rock, refuge, shield and fortress. He has helped reveal that to me through so many of you. When my faith was too weak for my to lift my head and look to Him, you held it up for my through phone calls, meals, cleaning, my house words and arranged meetings. I love you, all of you! You, friends, are the church! You friends, are my mat!
I am going to Cincinnati with a bit of a heavy heart as I have concerns about what they might not find. I am almost afraid to hope for healing as so many times I have hoped for healing before only to be let down. This last let down was hard; probably the hardest of them all. But, God is faithful! His is my Rock, Refuge, Shield and Fortress!
I need to Hope; I need to chose to live in Hope. So, with a weary but steadfast heart I will hope one more time and give God a chance to work through this. And you, my friends, will hope along with me and I love you for it!
