It is of my opinion that we, in the Christian Faith, like to sugar coat our suffering. Somehow we have succumbed to this lie that to suffer, or rather to allow suffering to bother us, to cause us heartache, depression, sadness or frustration is a weakness of character and a lack of faith. When a believer, a son or daughter of God the Father, is about to be beheaded by the jihad, we expect them to raise their hands in praise and squeal with delight, "To God be the glory." When, in reality, I have a feeling they may lie with their face in the ground, tears streaming down their face, hearts sinking with agony as they ask, "Can this cup by taken from me?" Perhaps we don't consciously think this, but when we only give praise to those who offer positive insights during their suffering but remain woefully quiet to those who admit their struggle this seems to be the message we give. But, again, this is only my opinion.
So, as this is my opinion, I do not sugar coat my own suffering. I believe that it is only when we show our cracks, our scars and our battle wounds that others can see that is not our own strength that we survive these times of darkness and loss, but that the One who is greater in me is greater than the one who is in the world (1 John 4.4).
This summer was hard. I spent most of it lying on my couch in the living room or on a lawn chair in the front yard or back yard. During a twelve week time I visited about one store. A friend allowed me to visit her pool so I went there a few times and lay on her lawn chair and a different friend allowed me the same courtesy. The boys and I found a "private" (not really) beach that was a relatively short drive that I could make on my "good" days where Daxton would drag my lawn chair out and set it up for me (thank you, Jesus, my for 5-yr-old, this summer would have been so much harder without him). And on other "good" days I would bring my lawn chairs to parks where I would watch my boys play. The pain was constant and walking to and from the mailbox was a stretch. The people at Laser Spine could not explain why my level of pain was so great so I spent my summer watching my children play and wishing with every ounce of my being that I could be the wife and mother they deserved. How I would break down and cry, sob because I just wanted to run around the park and chase them, go for a bike ride with them, cook them a meal. And frankly, I was angry with God.
Time has become a blur but in the not-too-distant past my mom and I rode back to Cincinnati (you should have seen my ride, I was on a patio mat placed on a passenger seat that was laid all the way back with a wedge under my butt) to the Laser Spine Institute. The surgeon had no explanation for my severity of pain and wanted to do a second surgery another level up to decrease the pain as I have degeneration in my back at that level as well. This surgery will cost $20,000. . . we are still paying off the first surgery. So while only mildly depressed I rode back home (still in supreme luxury), back to my life of lying on the couch, lying on my lawn chair and wishing I had anyone's life but mine.
During this time of trial, I challenged myself to read the Bible when anxiety began to overwhelm me. To be honest, this was often so I read my Bible a lot. A couple of week ago I was reading about King Hezekiah when the Assyrians had laid siege to Jerusalem and the Assyrian King had written a very nasty letter threatening the well being of all of Judah. What struck me was Hezekiah's reaction. He took that letter, went to the temple, lay the letter out before the Lord and prayed.
Let me put this another way; during what appeared to be a hopeless situation, when Hezekiah was surrounded by gloom, when his enemies were taunting him, Hezekiah lay it all out before the Almighty and said, "Hear me, Oh Lord. Only You can deliver me!" And do you know what? God did.
That night, I spread my health bill before the Lord and let it represent all of my anxieties: all of my health problems, financial problems and fears about how this will affect the adoption and I prayed. And then I wrote down my prayer and I left. And do you know what? I'm a little better!
I can go for short runs. I can go for short walks. I can go to stores for short periods of time and purchase items as long as there is not a long check out line. I am still very limited. I can not lift anything of any weight. I cannot sit for any length of time. Or stand for that matter. Or bend. I probably will still need surgery. But I am grateful! I can drive and drop my son off to school, by myself! We went for a family "hike" on Sunday. It was short, but it was a hike. Did I mention I can go for run (okay, they're more like slow jogs but still).
My husband gave a very wise prayer last week in which he said, "God, we want everything to happen at once but it's not going to work that way. So help us to give praise for the steps. Help us to be thankful for the small things." And I am! I really am!
I began seeing a new doctor this week, one for pain management. This is the first doctor who has looked at me and, rather than asking, "What did you do for your spine to get so degenerated?" she has said, "We need to figure out how your spine has gotten so degenerated!" She thinks I have Osteopenia and if that's true, we can order more tests to find out more that's wrong with me. (Sarcastic, "yea!"). I'm weary of doctor's appointments, testing, bills and asking my mom to drive me to places that are too far for me to drive on my own. I'm tired of asking for people to vacuum my house or cook me meals. I'm tired of waking up and wondering what kind of day I'm going to have. But I'm thankful too. Because I am doing better and I have those friends I can ask to vacuum my house and drive me to Grand Rapids and bring me meals.
I want God to work through me. He has. It's strange but even with me in this severely degenerated state, He has used me greatly and I feel blessed. So I expose my cracks to you and I hope that through them you can see Him. I am weak, very very very weak but He is oh so strong!
2 Corinthians 4: 7 - 12
7-12 If you only look at us,
you might well miss the brightness. We carry this precious Message
around in the unadorned clay pots of our ordinary lives. That’s to
prevent anyone from confusing God’s incomparable power with us. As it
is, there’s not much chance of that. You know for yourselves that we’re
not much to look at. We’ve been surrounded and battered by troubles, but
we’re not demoralized; we’re not sure what to do, but we know that God
knows what to do; we’ve been spiritually terrorized, but God hasn’t left
our side; we’ve been thrown down, but we haven’t broken. What they did
to Jesus, they do to us—trial and torture, mockery and murder; what
Jesus did among them, he does in us—he lives! Our lives are at constant
risk for Jesus’ sake, which makes Jesus’ life all the more evident in
us. While we’re going through the worst, you’re getting in on the best!
Tuesday, September 15, 2015
Friday, August 21, 2015
When Life Becomes Hard. . . Lean on a Friend
I will return to Cincinnati on Monday for a pain discussion. It would be a total and complete lie to say this was in my plan, but after spending the entire summer lying on my couch and a very cool, but not-so-fun lawn chair, it was time. We are hoping an MRI will show what went wrong after surgery and they will be able to fix it.
This summer has been filled with days of feeling hopeful and feeling completely helpless. I have learned that my level of pain is very much tied to my level of hopefulness or depression. When I'm in less pain it's easier to feel optimistic; however, when the pain is high the tendency to feel without hope and in despair is much easier to fall into.
On those days when my hope is low and my future looks bleak I envision my life being weighed down by countless hours and years spent forced on my back. I see myself being able to do little more than work the remote, read and lie on my belly to draw. I picture my adoption to my beautiful daughter being ruined by my condition. I envision family vacations taken without me and all family play times being enjoyed by others while I lie nearby and watch them play.
With such back pain, I really am limited to lying down 95% of the time. More than five minutes of standing or sitting begin to cause pain, so after standing or sitting for any length of time, I must go and lie back down. With such extreme disability. it feels as though I am watching my life pass by; I am a viewer in my own life.
However, and here is the good part, God has put into my life countless friends who are helping to carry me through this very difficult season. In Luke 5 there was a paralyzed man who was unable to make it to Jesus to be healed and he had good friends who carried him to Jesus on a mat. I am that man being carried right now. When my faith is low, my friends are carrying me. When my faith is weak, it is my friends faith that helps me along. When my hope of my adoption being crushed, the faith and belief of others is the mat I lie on.
2 Samuel 22 David writes a poem about God being angry in regards to David's suffering and rescuing Him. He refers to God as His rock, refuge, shield, and fortress.
Many, many times I have not felt as though God has been any of these things for me. I have felt abandoned and alone. Regardless of my feelings, I have never been abandoned or alone. God is near me and he has been by rock, refuge, shield and fortress. He has helped reveal that to me through so many of you. When my faith was too weak for my to lift my head and look to Him, you held it up for my through phone calls, meals, cleaning, my house words and arranged meetings. I love you, all of you! You, friends, are the church! You friends, are my mat!
I am going to Cincinnati with a bit of a heavy heart as I have concerns about what they might not find. I am almost afraid to hope for healing as so many times I have hoped for healing before only to be let down. This last let down was hard; probably the hardest of them all. But, God is faithful! His is my Rock, Refuge, Shield and Fortress!
I need to Hope; I need to chose to live in Hope. So, with a weary but steadfast heart I will hope one more time and give God a chance to work through this. And you, my friends, will hope along with me and I love you for it!
This summer has been filled with days of feeling hopeful and feeling completely helpless. I have learned that my level of pain is very much tied to my level of hopefulness or depression. When I'm in less pain it's easier to feel optimistic; however, when the pain is high the tendency to feel without hope and in despair is much easier to fall into.
On those days when my hope is low and my future looks bleak I envision my life being weighed down by countless hours and years spent forced on my back. I see myself being able to do little more than work the remote, read and lie on my belly to draw. I picture my adoption to my beautiful daughter being ruined by my condition. I envision family vacations taken without me and all family play times being enjoyed by others while I lie nearby and watch them play.
With such back pain, I really am limited to lying down 95% of the time. More than five minutes of standing or sitting begin to cause pain, so after standing or sitting for any length of time, I must go and lie back down. With such extreme disability. it feels as though I am watching my life pass by; I am a viewer in my own life.
However, and here is the good part, God has put into my life countless friends who are helping to carry me through this very difficult season. In Luke 5 there was a paralyzed man who was unable to make it to Jesus to be healed and he had good friends who carried him to Jesus on a mat. I am that man being carried right now. When my faith is low, my friends are carrying me. When my faith is weak, it is my friends faith that helps me along. When my hope of my adoption being crushed, the faith and belief of others is the mat I lie on.
2 Samuel 22 David writes a poem about God being angry in regards to David's suffering and rescuing Him. He refers to God as His rock, refuge, shield, and fortress.
Many, many times I have not felt as though God has been any of these things for me. I have felt abandoned and alone. Regardless of my feelings, I have never been abandoned or alone. God is near me and he has been by rock, refuge, shield and fortress. He has helped reveal that to me through so many of you. When my faith was too weak for my to lift my head and look to Him, you held it up for my through phone calls, meals, cleaning, my house words and arranged meetings. I love you, all of you! You, friends, are the church! You friends, are my mat!
I am going to Cincinnati with a bit of a heavy heart as I have concerns about what they might not find. I am almost afraid to hope for healing as so many times I have hoped for healing before only to be let down. This last let down was hard; probably the hardest of them all. But, God is faithful! His is my Rock, Refuge, Shield and Fortress!
I need to Hope; I need to chose to live in Hope. So, with a weary but steadfast heart I will hope one more time and give God a chance to work through this. And you, my friends, will hope along with me and I love you for it!
Friday, June 26, 2015
A whirlwind Month With Jesus By My Side
I have found that if I am not looking for Jesus, I often miss Him. If, however, I open myself up to seeing His presence in my life, He is literally everywhere!
Surgery week for me in Cincinnati was the first week in June. I think there were literally hundreds of people praying for me back home in Holland, MI and at least another dozen praying for me that I met while in Cincinnati Ohio/Covington, KY (where my hotel was).
During that week I saw Jesus in so many ways!
- A larger than life, fake eye lash wearing, vaulting out of laser spine chairs angel named Pam gave me a hug when needed and later was in my same hotel and prayed over me, placing her hands on me and blessing me in the name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit just outside of the elevators. I felt His Power come upon me while she prayed! She later called me to check on me two times during my stay. I will never see her again but she forever impacted me
- The staff at the hotel was amazing! They checked non stop for a room to open up when it was discovered I would need to stay an extra two nights and the hotel was booked. As soon as they found a room, they booked it for me. They also prayed for me and were always so willing to swap out my ice packs which was often six or seven times a day. They also gave my boys free toys and saved us bananas because, well, we like bananas :)
- When I had to get my nerve testing done to make sure the surgery would be a success, the pain I felt during the test was pretty much identical to the pain I feel/felt on a daily basis giving me much hope. Additionally while we were there, I was able to talk art with the two physicians who preformed my procedure (not a talent of mine but a definite hobby) and one of them was Indian so we were able to talk India for a while. Additionally, my mom and I were able to pray over another patient who seemed to be struggling and I added to my prayer list a woman who had been suffering from back pain for eight years.
- A staff as Laser Spine named Brenda took me in, prayed for me and made me up a meal on the day of my surgery from what they had in the cafeteria to take back to my room. She was an additional comfort during a stressful and uncertain time.
- Two days after returning home from we received a very large anonymous donation to help with our adoption which could not have come at a more welcome time as we had just paid a large sum to help with surgery costs and it set us back quite a bit in our adoption savings.
. . . I could go on but these are some of the high lights.
We then went on a three night vacation that I was told would be okay to go on. I think that was a lie as afterward I ended up in more pain that before, but live and learn. The vacation was fun and it was enjoyable to spend time with my family and watch my boys (all three of them) swim like fish in the pool.
We then came home where I tried to resume life only to find that my back was not so accommodating. My back became very much inflamed and I began to question God's plan, faithfulness and whether or not the surgery worked as I now had to take to complete bed rest. My attitude turned sour and I was, frankly, quite the pill. However, after a morning of fasting, Bible reading and prayer I felt convicted and changed my attitude. I began to look for Jesus again, since then, boy has he show up.
I literally woke up in the night last night, weeping because of God's goodness to us, His faithfulness to us during this difficult season of life. Let me share His blessings, many of whom are you.
- Our adoption match with Samyuktha (our 1.5 yr old Indian Princess) was officially approved by India! This means we can begin paperwork in India and move forward on bringing home our sweet little girl. This also means we received five new, better photos and more information about our sweetheart. Want to see the pictures? (You know you do) Stop on by!
- Because of the official match, we have two very large payments due for the adoption and, because of medical expenses, we were about $3,200 short. Yesterday in the mail we received a very large anonymous donation and, while it doesn't cover the entire cost, it help a great deal. I quite literally wept when I opened the mail. (A lot of weeping lately!)
- My house has been a revolving door of people - you - coming and going doing everything from providing meals, doing my laundry, cleaning my bathrooms, vacuuming and even just visiting. I don't even think I can count the number of visitors we have had since Monday. I have literally run out of thank you cards and because I am stuck at home. . . er, well, just know you are appreciated if you don't get one. I tried to tell Joe how many people have been here because he gets to see so few of you. I honestly am considering starting a log book so I can look back and remember.
- While being so stuck at home, there are countless errands that have needed to be run, some of them urgent for our adoption. My parents have willingly and without complaint taken on this often monotonous task, even scanning documents page by page to help bring home their granddaughter. In the meantime, Joe's parents have been gathering groceries for us and getting more of the essential items that I am unable to go out and buy.
- Daxton's school tuition is due very soon and, with all of the other bills we were unsure how to pay for it, but in less than 24 hours, Joe sold a very old, beat up looking suburban to cover the cost.
So you see. God is so good!!!! All I had to do was pull my head out from under my blankets and look out to see the sun (Son - ha!). If any of you are in a rut, I would encourage you to do the same. I would also encourage you to pray for others. I have found it be an awesome way to get the monkey of self-pity off my back and bring on some compassion for others.
The verse that came to mind was from the sermon on the mount:
Matthew 7:9Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? 10 Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? 11 If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!
God has given me so much more than I could have asked or imagined! I just had to open my eyes to it. Or, as Lincoln said, look for the "Sun rays"!
If this is horribly written, you will just have to extend grace. Sitting to write is quite painful so I cannot take the time to go through and correct and make beautiful as I would like to. But I wanted to make know that God is good, all the time!
Surgery week for me in Cincinnati was the first week in June. I think there were literally hundreds of people praying for me back home in Holland, MI and at least another dozen praying for me that I met while in Cincinnati Ohio/Covington, KY (where my hotel was).
During that week I saw Jesus in so many ways!
- A larger than life, fake eye lash wearing, vaulting out of laser spine chairs angel named Pam gave me a hug when needed and later was in my same hotel and prayed over me, placing her hands on me and blessing me in the name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit just outside of the elevators. I felt His Power come upon me while she prayed! She later called me to check on me two times during my stay. I will never see her again but she forever impacted me
- The staff at the hotel was amazing! They checked non stop for a room to open up when it was discovered I would need to stay an extra two nights and the hotel was booked. As soon as they found a room, they booked it for me. They also prayed for me and were always so willing to swap out my ice packs which was often six or seven times a day. They also gave my boys free toys and saved us bananas because, well, we like bananas :)
- When I had to get my nerve testing done to make sure the surgery would be a success, the pain I felt during the test was pretty much identical to the pain I feel/felt on a daily basis giving me much hope. Additionally while we were there, I was able to talk art with the two physicians who preformed my procedure (not a talent of mine but a definite hobby) and one of them was Indian so we were able to talk India for a while. Additionally, my mom and I were able to pray over another patient who seemed to be struggling and I added to my prayer list a woman who had been suffering from back pain for eight years.
- A staff as Laser Spine named Brenda took me in, prayed for me and made me up a meal on the day of my surgery from what they had in the cafeteria to take back to my room. She was an additional comfort during a stressful and uncertain time.
- Two days after returning home from we received a very large anonymous donation to help with our adoption which could not have come at a more welcome time as we had just paid a large sum to help with surgery costs and it set us back quite a bit in our adoption savings.
. . . I could go on but these are some of the high lights.
We then went on a three night vacation that I was told would be okay to go on. I think that was a lie as afterward I ended up in more pain that before, but live and learn. The vacation was fun and it was enjoyable to spend time with my family and watch my boys (all three of them) swim like fish in the pool.
We then came home where I tried to resume life only to find that my back was not so accommodating. My back became very much inflamed and I began to question God's plan, faithfulness and whether or not the surgery worked as I now had to take to complete bed rest. My attitude turned sour and I was, frankly, quite the pill. However, after a morning of fasting, Bible reading and prayer I felt convicted and changed my attitude. I began to look for Jesus again, since then, boy has he show up.
I literally woke up in the night last night, weeping because of God's goodness to us, His faithfulness to us during this difficult season of life. Let me share His blessings, many of whom are you.
- Our adoption match with Samyuktha (our 1.5 yr old Indian Princess) was officially approved by India! This means we can begin paperwork in India and move forward on bringing home our sweet little girl. This also means we received five new, better photos and more information about our sweetheart. Want to see the pictures? (You know you do) Stop on by!
- Because of the official match, we have two very large payments due for the adoption and, because of medical expenses, we were about $3,200 short. Yesterday in the mail we received a very large anonymous donation and, while it doesn't cover the entire cost, it help a great deal. I quite literally wept when I opened the mail. (A lot of weeping lately!)
- My house has been a revolving door of people - you - coming and going doing everything from providing meals, doing my laundry, cleaning my bathrooms, vacuuming and even just visiting. I don't even think I can count the number of visitors we have had since Monday. I have literally run out of thank you cards and because I am stuck at home. . . er, well, just know you are appreciated if you don't get one. I tried to tell Joe how many people have been here because he gets to see so few of you. I honestly am considering starting a log book so I can look back and remember.
- While being so stuck at home, there are countless errands that have needed to be run, some of them urgent for our adoption. My parents have willingly and without complaint taken on this often monotonous task, even scanning documents page by page to help bring home their granddaughter. In the meantime, Joe's parents have been gathering groceries for us and getting more of the essential items that I am unable to go out and buy.
- Daxton's school tuition is due very soon and, with all of the other bills we were unsure how to pay for it, but in less than 24 hours, Joe sold a very old, beat up looking suburban to cover the cost.
So you see. God is so good!!!! All I had to do was pull my head out from under my blankets and look out to see the sun (Son - ha!). If any of you are in a rut, I would encourage you to do the same. I would also encourage you to pray for others. I have found it be an awesome way to get the monkey of self-pity off my back and bring on some compassion for others.
The verse that came to mind was from the sermon on the mount:
Matthew 7:9Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? 10 Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? 11 If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!
God has given me so much more than I could have asked or imagined! I just had to open my eyes to it. Or, as Lincoln said, look for the "Sun rays"!
If this is horribly written, you will just have to extend grace. Sitting to write is quite painful so I cannot take the time to go through and correct and make beautiful as I would like to. But I wanted to make know that God is good, all the time!
Thursday, May 28, 2015
Giving thanks for the fleas
Two of my heroes in life are Corey TenBoem and her sister Betsy; their entire lives were filled with sacrifice and spreading the love of Jesus. Their service during WWII was just a culmination or high light of their service. One of their stories that has always stood out to me was when they were spending another uncomfortable, cold, itchy night in the barracks of a concentration camp and Betsy insisted that they give thanks for the biting fleas. Corey was quite put out and wanted to refuse but, in her quiet, gentle way Betsy convinced Corey quoting the scripture, "In everything, give thanks." Corey relented and gave thanks for the fleas. . . . After time had passed the two found out that because of the jumping, biting, make your skin crawl fleas the guards, who normally patrol the barracks, avoided these particular barracks allowing for better fellowship and freedom among the prisoners. There was a reason to give thanks for the fleas.
God has a reason.
When Joe and I submitted our USCIS application to adopt from Ethiopia we were frustrated and stressed out when it was delayed due to an RFE (request for further evidence). However, during the wait we found out about the need in India and decided to switch countries. Had our paperwork gone through without a hitch, the way we had wanted, we would not have chosen to adopt through India and we would not be matched with precious, little Samyuktha.
God has a plan.
Friends, I must admit my human weakness. I want to know how it's all going to work out. I don't like pain. I don't like struggle. I hate stress. I really, really, really struggle with the idea of finding joy in trial.
James 1 Consider it pure joy. . . whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish it's worth so you will be mature and complete not lacking anything.
I have memorized this verse. I have meditated on this verse. I have prayed over this verse. And I still do not get this verse. I guess you could say I'm still pretty low on the maturity scale, but that's where God's grace comes in. Thank heaven for that!
With all of that, here is the latest. Next week I go in to the Laser Spine Institute in Cincinnati for laser spine surgery on my back. The huge praise is that this is an option; they have looked at my MRI and think that I am a strong candidate to be helped by their procedure. My Uncle Sam had this done a little over a year ago and said it was like a miracle so we are praying for similar results on my end.
More praise is that I have wonderful family and friends (truly wonderful, this is no small exaggeration) who are helping me during the week I am away. One of whom is traveling with me, others who are watching my boys and still others have already offered to help when I come home.
Where I am struggling is fear. Fear that the surgery will fail and we will have wasted time (both mine and the many of you who are helping), and money. I have tried so many things over the past fifteen months that I am afraid to get my hopes up.
Joe and I are also very much struggling with the financial aspect and the timing of it all. Laser spine surgery is considered "experimental" and is therefore not covered by insurance. Because of our adoption we are already "tapped out." We have had to pull some of our precious, "Samy" resources (money we were planning on using to bring home our Indian princess) to pay for the surgery and take out a care credit loan on top of that. We're scared. Why now? Is God faithful? Will He be Faithful? How will He be Faithful?
Yesterday someone posted something on facebook I truly appreciated, it said, "Do you feel like you're drowning? Don't worry, your Lifeguard walks on water!" I needed that.
Yesterday Joe quoted, "Trust in the Lord will all your heart; lean not on your own understanding! In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will direct your paths."
So we are trusting, with a childlike trust, we are looking up to our Heavenly Father expecting that He will bring us our daily bread each day. Expecting that He will be able to replenish our resources and cause the five loaves of bread and two fish to turn into twelve basketful so we can bring home our Samy.
And we are giving thanks for our "fleas."
"Thank you, Jesus. Thank you for this debt. Thank you for this challenge. We do not understand your will. We do not like it. But we trust you. We believe that you have a plan. Our job is not to trust but to obey."
If any of you feel so called to help with our adoption, I will leave a link below but, above all, please pray. We need prayer most of all! Thank you!
https://www.crowdrise.com/ForemanFamilysIndianAdoption/fundraiser/stephanieforeman1
God has a reason.
When Joe and I submitted our USCIS application to adopt from Ethiopia we were frustrated and stressed out when it was delayed due to an RFE (request for further evidence). However, during the wait we found out about the need in India and decided to switch countries. Had our paperwork gone through without a hitch, the way we had wanted, we would not have chosen to adopt through India and we would not be matched with precious, little Samyuktha.
God has a plan.
Friends, I must admit my human weakness. I want to know how it's all going to work out. I don't like pain. I don't like struggle. I hate stress. I really, really, really struggle with the idea of finding joy in trial.
James 1 Consider it pure joy. . . whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish it's worth so you will be mature and complete not lacking anything.
I have memorized this verse. I have meditated on this verse. I have prayed over this verse. And I still do not get this verse. I guess you could say I'm still pretty low on the maturity scale, but that's where God's grace comes in. Thank heaven for that!
With all of that, here is the latest. Next week I go in to the Laser Spine Institute in Cincinnati for laser spine surgery on my back. The huge praise is that this is an option; they have looked at my MRI and think that I am a strong candidate to be helped by their procedure. My Uncle Sam had this done a little over a year ago and said it was like a miracle so we are praying for similar results on my end.
More praise is that I have wonderful family and friends (truly wonderful, this is no small exaggeration) who are helping me during the week I am away. One of whom is traveling with me, others who are watching my boys and still others have already offered to help when I come home.
Where I am struggling is fear. Fear that the surgery will fail and we will have wasted time (both mine and the many of you who are helping), and money. I have tried so many things over the past fifteen months that I am afraid to get my hopes up.
Joe and I are also very much struggling with the financial aspect and the timing of it all. Laser spine surgery is considered "experimental" and is therefore not covered by insurance. Because of our adoption we are already "tapped out." We have had to pull some of our precious, "Samy" resources (money we were planning on using to bring home our Indian princess) to pay for the surgery and take out a care credit loan on top of that. We're scared. Why now? Is God faithful? Will He be Faithful? How will He be Faithful?
Yesterday someone posted something on facebook I truly appreciated, it said, "Do you feel like you're drowning? Don't worry, your Lifeguard walks on water!" I needed that.
Yesterday Joe quoted, "Trust in the Lord will all your heart; lean not on your own understanding! In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will direct your paths."
So we are trusting, with a childlike trust, we are looking up to our Heavenly Father expecting that He will bring us our daily bread each day. Expecting that He will be able to replenish our resources and cause the five loaves of bread and two fish to turn into twelve basketful so we can bring home our Samy.
And we are giving thanks for our "fleas."
"Thank you, Jesus. Thank you for this debt. Thank you for this challenge. We do not understand your will. We do not like it. But we trust you. We believe that you have a plan. Our job is not to trust but to obey."
If any of you feel so called to help with our adoption, I will leave a link below but, above all, please pray. We need prayer most of all! Thank you!
https://www.crowdrise.com/ForemanFamilysIndianAdoption/fundraiser/stephanieforeman1
Sunday, May 3, 2015
One Year
This marks one full year of, what I would call, intense pain. The discomfort in my back began before then but the real pain started almost exactly a year ago.
>Last year I had been training for the 5/3rd Riverbank Run. I really wanted to "get even" with this run as when I had run it before I had no idea what I was doing and burned out before I even hit the halfway mark and finished far slower than my goal time. Literally two days before the race last year, my back began giving me extreme pain. So extreme, in fact, I could not stand up straight.
By the grace of God, on the day of the race I could at least stand straight and I ran the race and even finished with a relatively decent time. It was a very painful race and I can't help but wonder how I would have done if my back had not been aching, but for those of you who run long distance you can appreciate the satisfaction in being able to finish after the months of training and prep.
Next Saturday I will be knocking on 5/3rd's door again, this time with a different goal in mind. I essentially gave up running this winter to see if it would improve my back. It didn't. So, after meeting with the surgeon who shall not be named, and seeing no immediate change in my future, I felt honestly called by God to lace up my running shoes and take back life as much as I could. It's a strange calling from God. The exact words I felt impressed upon me were, "Get up. Stop crying. Take off your jeans, put on your running tights and go run 5 miles." I didn't want to, but I did. God knows me so well :)
Later that day, a neighbor and friend of mine whom I love texted me and asked if she could train for the race with me. I cannot tell you what a God send this was. Giving myself less than six weeks to train for a 15.5 mile race was crazy so having a friend who was crazy enough to do it with me has made it so much more enjoyable. She is a wonderful, God-fearing woman who has set aside her own training to accomodate me in mine. I am so blessed.
Essentially every morning I wake up in pain. And, if it's not first thing in the morning, it will come soon. I have tried PT, chiropractic, injections, pain meds and a lot of prayer. I am so weary. This morning I cried; I bawled because I am so tired of fighting this pain that will not go away. But I opened my Bible and found this gem waiting for me
1 Cor 5: 7 But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. 8 We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; 9 persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.
I do not have to be strong, which is good because I am not. I need Jesus. Let me type that again. I NEED JESUS!!! Every time in so many moment I rely on him. I rely on him to sit through meetings. I rely on him when I have to wait for more than a minute in the grocery store. I rely on him when a friend sweetly corners me in a store or at church, unknowing that every second I stand listening to her small talk my pain increases. I rely on him when I take my boys to the park or zoo or when I lie on the floor to do school with my oldest.
2 Cor 12 "For when I am weak, then I am strong."
This week will be hard as I come to terms with a full year of pain and the knowledege that there is no end in sight. But I have been so blessed through this year by so many of you. Some of you have been a blessing to me and not even known it.
I know the journey is long and it's easy to forget my pain. But to me, it's daily. So please continue your prayers.
God is faithful; He will see me through!
>Last year I had been training for the 5/3rd Riverbank Run. I really wanted to "get even" with this run as when I had run it before I had no idea what I was doing and burned out before I even hit the halfway mark and finished far slower than my goal time. Literally two days before the race last year, my back began giving me extreme pain. So extreme, in fact, I could not stand up straight.
By the grace of God, on the day of the race I could at least stand straight and I ran the race and even finished with a relatively decent time. It was a very painful race and I can't help but wonder how I would have done if my back had not been aching, but for those of you who run long distance you can appreciate the satisfaction in being able to finish after the months of training and prep.
Next Saturday I will be knocking on 5/3rd's door again, this time with a different goal in mind. I essentially gave up running this winter to see if it would improve my back. It didn't. So, after meeting with the surgeon who shall not be named, and seeing no immediate change in my future, I felt honestly called by God to lace up my running shoes and take back life as much as I could. It's a strange calling from God. The exact words I felt impressed upon me were, "Get up. Stop crying. Take off your jeans, put on your running tights and go run 5 miles." I didn't want to, but I did. God knows me so well :)
Later that day, a neighbor and friend of mine whom I love texted me and asked if she could train for the race with me. I cannot tell you what a God send this was. Giving myself less than six weeks to train for a 15.5 mile race was crazy so having a friend who was crazy enough to do it with me has made it so much more enjoyable. She is a wonderful, God-fearing woman who has set aside her own training to accomodate me in mine. I am so blessed.
Essentially every morning I wake up in pain. And, if it's not first thing in the morning, it will come soon. I have tried PT, chiropractic, injections, pain meds and a lot of prayer. I am so weary. This morning I cried; I bawled because I am so tired of fighting this pain that will not go away. But I opened my Bible and found this gem waiting for me
1 Cor 5: 7 But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. 8 We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; 9 persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.
I do not have to be strong, which is good because I am not. I need Jesus. Let me type that again. I NEED JESUS!!! Every time in so many moment I rely on him. I rely on him to sit through meetings. I rely on him when I have to wait for more than a minute in the grocery store. I rely on him when a friend sweetly corners me in a store or at church, unknowing that every second I stand listening to her small talk my pain increases. I rely on him when I take my boys to the park or zoo or when I lie on the floor to do school with my oldest.
2 Cor 12 "For when I am weak, then I am strong."
This week will be hard as I come to terms with a full year of pain and the knowledege that there is no end in sight. But I have been so blessed through this year by so many of you. Some of you have been a blessing to me and not even known it.
I know the journey is long and it's easy to forget my pain. But to me, it's daily. So please continue your prayers.
God is faithful; He will see me through!
Tuesday, March 31, 2015
Challenge Accepted
Today I met with a surgeon. I will not say his name because I did not like the man very much. I felt like he was a little condescending and made me feel small for even visiting with him. Regardless, I did get some helpful and only mildly dissapointing information from him:
First of all, this whole time we have been focussed on the bulging disc as the problem. Turns out the larger problem is that I have degenerative disc disease and the disc itself is resembling a deflated tire. This is what is causing the pain. In some ways this made sense to me because all of the exercises/stretches/etc. that normally help with a bulging disc have done nothing for me.
He also told me about the seriousness of surgery, which we already knew. It is very invasive and only has a 40 - 50% effectiveness rate. Yes, friends, it only helps 40 - 50% of the time! So, he recommended that we try everything before making that leap. I have to agree.
I have a new script to try physical therapy again, this time with a new physical therapist that I have respect for. This PT has worked with someone close to me more than once and is very honest, which I appreciate.
At first I felt incredibly disheartened. I don't want surgery, and I certainly don't want to have my spine fused, but I want to be pain free. But then, God gave me a new perspective: This is a challenge. For those of you who know me, there is nothing I love more than a good physical challenge and here I am facing the epitome of all challenges.
This is not the life that God wants for me; I am sure of that! I have been oppressed too long by the pain and possibly even lies of pain that Satan may be whispering in my ear. So I am accepting this challenge and, frankly, I am going to attack it and beat it to the ground!
I got home, ran 5 miles and decided, God willing, I will be running the Riverbank Run in mid May (15.5 miles). I will do even more core training. I will introduce light low back exercises and begin my PT. If something hurts, I'll stop. But if it doesn't, I'm going to keep on going.
John 16:33 I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.
If I've got this Guy on my side, how can I go wrong?
God is good, all the time!!!
First of all, this whole time we have been focussed on the bulging disc as the problem. Turns out the larger problem is that I have degenerative disc disease and the disc itself is resembling a deflated tire. This is what is causing the pain. In some ways this made sense to me because all of the exercises/stretches/etc. that normally help with a bulging disc have done nothing for me.
He also told me about the seriousness of surgery, which we already knew. It is very invasive and only has a 40 - 50% effectiveness rate. Yes, friends, it only helps 40 - 50% of the time! So, he recommended that we try everything before making that leap. I have to agree.
I have a new script to try physical therapy again, this time with a new physical therapist that I have respect for. This PT has worked with someone close to me more than once and is very honest, which I appreciate.
At first I felt incredibly disheartened. I don't want surgery, and I certainly don't want to have my spine fused, but I want to be pain free. But then, God gave me a new perspective: This is a challenge. For those of you who know me, there is nothing I love more than a good physical challenge and here I am facing the epitome of all challenges.
This is not the life that God wants for me; I am sure of that! I have been oppressed too long by the pain and possibly even lies of pain that Satan may be whispering in my ear. So I am accepting this challenge and, frankly, I am going to attack it and beat it to the ground!
I got home, ran 5 miles and decided, God willing, I will be running the Riverbank Run in mid May (15.5 miles). I will do even more core training. I will introduce light low back exercises and begin my PT. If something hurts, I'll stop. But if it doesn't, I'm going to keep on going.
John 16:33 I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.
If I've got this Guy on my side, how can I go wrong?
God is good, all the time!!!
Friday, March 27, 2015
I'm Stuck on a Ferris Wheel and I Want to Get Off
This summer when I took my kids to the world renowned Dutch Village, they rode on the newly installed Ferris Wheel and the helper told my boys to give her a thumbs up if they were happy and a thumbs down if they wanted to get off. My older son, Daxton, reminded me of this a week or so ago when something did not meet his approval and he gave it a thumbs down. Well, as of now, I am giving my current saga a giant thumbs down.
February of 2014 I rode to a from Florida on a plane for a girl's week and half marathon. It was awesome! But I noticed that I was extremely uncomfortable for the short three hour flight and could barely sit through it. Later, my running became affected as I would often have to stop and stretch mid run. The pain became extremely intense in May and I found myself physically unable to stand straight for a couple of days. This was when my life on the Ferris wheel really began.
I assumed it was just something small. Maybe I tweaked my back or perhaps my hip was misaligned or something. As a matter of fact, while it was a pain (ha ha), I didn't think much of it at all. During this time, Joe and I felt called to adopt internationally. We began moving forward with this very exciting, terrifying and expensive process watching as God provided for us in big ways and small.
Meanwhile, May turned into June and June turned into July and my back was still in pain. I saw a chiropractor in May but it really didn't seem to help much so I began to see a physical therapist. My PT and I worked together for a few months, but I never saw any real improvements.
During the summer, my family and I continued to move forward with the adoption and I continued running. For whatever reason, the pain in my back was at it's worst when sitting or standing but usually, if I kept moving, it was okay. I convinced myself that once I finished my marathon in October and took some time off, the back pain would heal completely.
Come late September, I gave up on the physical therapy and went back to the chiropractor thinking maybe after all of the PT, the chiropractic adjustments would help. This was a mistake. A huge, colossal mistake! All of a sudden my back went from painful to PAINFUL! and, overall, it has been this way ever since.
By the grace of God, I finished my marathon (with no back pain during or after - figure that one out) and gave up running, waiting for my back to improve. And I kept waiting. And waiting. My back was not getting better. Come November I gave up training clients because I could no longer tolerate the pain while training them nor did I feel I was being the best trainer I could be.
I went back to my primary care doctor who ordered x-rays. X-rays revealed nothing (well, they revealed something but that in and of itself is a blog entry. Essentailly, it sent us on a one month wild goose chase) and I finally had an MRI come December. Come January I finally found out the results: a bulging disc in my lowest lumbar. Having already tried chiropractic care and physical therapy, my orthopedist recommended we try steroid injections to reduce the inflammation and pain. It took a full four weeks to get the injections and they did nothing.
This brings us to now. I met with my orthopedist on Monday where she advised that I meet with a surgeon. I also discovered that the bulge in my back is in the center, not at the side. While this means the pain is localized in my back and I do not have the pain shooting down my leg like so many who suffer from a bulging disc, it does complicate any surgery that may need to be preformed because they will most likely want to stabilize the joint. On someone who is only 30, this is a big deal because fusing a joint leads to other complications further down the road. Laser Spine surgery may be an option, but not an option that is covered by insurance and it would cost $22,000. Did I mention we're also in the process of adopting from India. This also costs mega dollars. I was also told by my orthopedist that, if the surgery is unsuccessful, the goal will then be to get the pain to 50% of where it is now and learn to live with it through pain medication.
So I am left with the options of robbing a bank, pulling out my hair, sobbing into a pillow or resting in God's capable hands. I do not understand His will. I am so confused by His timing and why He would allow me to go through this now, while I'm so young, while we're trying to adopt. But I trust Him. At least, I want to. While going through Joe's Grandma Schipper's house I came across two plaques.
One read:
"This is the day the Lord has made, let us Rejoice and be glad in it!"
And and the other:
"Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
31 but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint." . . . I cried, knowing God had laid them out for me.
Life is hard right now. I have moments of self pity, frustration and fear. I do not know what will happen one month from now and, frankly I just want to get on with "normal" life again. I am weary of taking pain meds before church so I can sit through a service. I do am weary of having to ask my husband to vacuum the house for me. I want to be able to make a meal without having to stop and lie down or sit down in the middle of prep. And, above all, I want to play and mess around with my boys like I should be able to. I feel like a bird with it's wings clipped.
The outlook is bleak but my God is bigger. I will trust Him! I will wait in Him! For now, my friends, please pray for me. Pray that I am able to move off the Ferris Wheel that I am trying so desperately to give a thumbs down to and move onto a slightly gentler ride, like, perhaps those caterpillar cars the toddlers ride in.
God is good, all the time!
February of 2014 I rode to a from Florida on a plane for a girl's week and half marathon. It was awesome! But I noticed that I was extremely uncomfortable for the short three hour flight and could barely sit through it. Later, my running became affected as I would often have to stop and stretch mid run. The pain became extremely intense in May and I found myself physically unable to stand straight for a couple of days. This was when my life on the Ferris wheel really began.
I assumed it was just something small. Maybe I tweaked my back or perhaps my hip was misaligned or something. As a matter of fact, while it was a pain (ha ha), I didn't think much of it at all. During this time, Joe and I felt called to adopt internationally. We began moving forward with this very exciting, terrifying and expensive process watching as God provided for us in big ways and small.
Meanwhile, May turned into June and June turned into July and my back was still in pain. I saw a chiropractor in May but it really didn't seem to help much so I began to see a physical therapist. My PT and I worked together for a few months, but I never saw any real improvements.
During the summer, my family and I continued to move forward with the adoption and I continued running. For whatever reason, the pain in my back was at it's worst when sitting or standing but usually, if I kept moving, it was okay. I convinced myself that once I finished my marathon in October and took some time off, the back pain would heal completely.
Come late September, I gave up on the physical therapy and went back to the chiropractor thinking maybe after all of the PT, the chiropractic adjustments would help. This was a mistake. A huge, colossal mistake! All of a sudden my back went from painful to PAINFUL! and, overall, it has been this way ever since.
By the grace of God, I finished my marathon (with no back pain during or after - figure that one out) and gave up running, waiting for my back to improve. And I kept waiting. And waiting. My back was not getting better. Come November I gave up training clients because I could no longer tolerate the pain while training them nor did I feel I was being the best trainer I could be.
I went back to my primary care doctor who ordered x-rays. X-rays revealed nothing (well, they revealed something but that in and of itself is a blog entry. Essentailly, it sent us on a one month wild goose chase) and I finally had an MRI come December. Come January I finally found out the results: a bulging disc in my lowest lumbar. Having already tried chiropractic care and physical therapy, my orthopedist recommended we try steroid injections to reduce the inflammation and pain. It took a full four weeks to get the injections and they did nothing.
This brings us to now. I met with my orthopedist on Monday where she advised that I meet with a surgeon. I also discovered that the bulge in my back is in the center, not at the side. While this means the pain is localized in my back and I do not have the pain shooting down my leg like so many who suffer from a bulging disc, it does complicate any surgery that may need to be preformed because they will most likely want to stabilize the joint. On someone who is only 30, this is a big deal because fusing a joint leads to other complications further down the road. Laser Spine surgery may be an option, but not an option that is covered by insurance and it would cost $22,000. Did I mention we're also in the process of adopting from India. This also costs mega dollars. I was also told by my orthopedist that, if the surgery is unsuccessful, the goal will then be to get the pain to 50% of where it is now and learn to live with it through pain medication.
So I am left with the options of robbing a bank, pulling out my hair, sobbing into a pillow or resting in God's capable hands. I do not understand His will. I am so confused by His timing and why He would allow me to go through this now, while I'm so young, while we're trying to adopt. But I trust Him. At least, I want to. While going through Joe's Grandma Schipper's house I came across two plaques.
One read:
"This is the day the Lord has made, let us Rejoice and be glad in it!"
And and the other:
"Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
31 but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint." . . . I cried, knowing God had laid them out for me.
Life is hard right now. I have moments of self pity, frustration and fear. I do not know what will happen one month from now and, frankly I just want to get on with "normal" life again. I am weary of taking pain meds before church so I can sit through a service. I do am weary of having to ask my husband to vacuum the house for me. I want to be able to make a meal without having to stop and lie down or sit down in the middle of prep. And, above all, I want to play and mess around with my boys like I should be able to. I feel like a bird with it's wings clipped.
The outlook is bleak but my God is bigger. I will trust Him! I will wait in Him! For now, my friends, please pray for me. Pray that I am able to move off the Ferris Wheel that I am trying so desperately to give a thumbs down to and move onto a slightly gentler ride, like, perhaps those caterpillar cars the toddlers ride in.
God is good, all the time!
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