This summer when I took my kids to the world renowned Dutch Village, they rode on the newly installed Ferris Wheel and the helper told my boys to give her a thumbs up if they were happy and a thumbs down if they wanted to get off. My older son, Daxton, reminded me of this a week or so ago when something did not meet his approval and he gave it a thumbs down. Well, as of now, I am giving my current saga a giant thumbs down.
February of 2014 I rode to a from Florida on a plane for a girl's week and half marathon. It was awesome! But I noticed that I was extremely uncomfortable for the short three hour flight and could barely sit through it. Later, my running became affected as I would often have to stop and stretch mid run. The pain became extremely intense in May and I found myself physically unable to stand straight for a couple of days. This was when my life on the Ferris wheel really began.
I assumed it was just something small. Maybe I tweaked my back or perhaps my hip was misaligned or something. As a matter of fact, while it was a pain (ha ha), I didn't think much of it at all. During this time, Joe and I felt called to adopt internationally. We began moving forward with this very exciting, terrifying and expensive process watching as God provided for us in big ways and small.
Meanwhile, May turned into June and June turned into July and my back was still in pain. I saw a chiropractor in May but it really didn't seem to help much so I began to see a physical therapist. My PT and I worked together for a few months, but I never saw any real improvements.
During the summer, my family and I continued to move forward with the adoption and I continued running. For whatever reason, the pain in my back was at it's worst when sitting or standing but usually, if I kept moving, it was okay. I convinced myself that once I finished my marathon in October and took some time off, the back pain would heal completely.
Come late September, I gave up on the physical therapy and went back to the chiropractor thinking maybe after all of the PT, the chiropractic adjustments would help. This was a mistake. A huge, colossal mistake! All of a sudden my back went from painful to PAINFUL! and, overall, it has been this way ever since.
By the grace of God, I finished my marathon (with no back pain during or after - figure that one out) and gave up running, waiting for my back to improve. And I kept waiting. And waiting. My back was not getting better. Come November I gave up training clients because I could no longer tolerate the pain while training them nor did I feel I was being the best trainer I could be.
I went back to my primary care doctor who ordered x-rays. X-rays revealed nothing (well, they revealed something but that in and of itself is a blog entry. Essentailly, it sent us on a one month wild goose chase) and I finally had an MRI come December. Come January I finally found out the results: a bulging disc in my lowest lumbar. Having already tried chiropractic care and physical therapy, my orthopedist recommended we try steroid injections to reduce the inflammation and pain. It took a full four weeks to get the injections and they did nothing.
This brings us to now. I met with my orthopedist on Monday where she advised that I meet with a surgeon. I also discovered that the bulge in my back is in the center, not at the side. While this means the pain is localized in my back and I do not have the pain shooting down my leg like so many who suffer from a bulging disc, it does complicate any surgery that may need to be preformed because they will most likely want to stabilize the joint. On someone who is only 30, this is a big deal because fusing a joint leads to other complications further down the road. Laser Spine surgery may be an option, but not an option that is covered by insurance and it would cost $22,000. Did I mention we're also in the process of adopting from India. This also costs mega dollars. I was also told by my orthopedist that, if the surgery is unsuccessful, the goal will then be to get the pain to 50% of where it is now and learn to live with it through pain medication.
So I am left with the options of robbing a bank, pulling out my hair, sobbing into a pillow or resting in God's capable hands. I do not understand His will. I am so confused by His timing and why He would allow me to go through this now, while I'm so young, while we're trying to adopt. But I trust Him. At least, I want to. While going through Joe's Grandma Schipper's house I came across two plaques.
One read:
"This is the day the Lord has made, let us Rejoice and be glad in it!"
And and the other:
"Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
31 but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint." . . . I cried, knowing God had laid them out for me.
Life is hard right now. I have moments of self pity, frustration and fear. I do not know what will happen one month from now and, frankly I just want to get on with "normal" life again. I am weary of taking pain meds before church so I can sit through a service. I do am weary of having to ask my husband to vacuum the house for me. I want to be able to make a meal without having to stop and lie down or sit down in the middle of prep. And, above all, I want to play and mess around with my boys like I should be able to. I feel like a bird with it's wings clipped.
The outlook is bleak but my God is bigger. I will trust Him! I will wait in Him! For now, my friends, please pray for me. Pray that I am able to move off the Ferris Wheel that I am trying so desperately to give a thumbs down to and move onto a slightly gentler ride, like, perhaps those caterpillar cars the toddlers ride in.
God is good, all the time!
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