It is of my opinion that we, in the Christian Faith, like to sugar coat our suffering. Somehow we have succumbed to this lie that to suffer, or rather to allow suffering to bother us, to cause us heartache, depression, sadness or frustration is a weakness of character and a lack of faith. When a believer, a son or daughter of God the Father, is about to be beheaded by the jihad, we expect them to raise their hands in praise and squeal with delight, "To God be the glory." When, in reality, I have a feeling they may lie with their face in the ground, tears streaming down their face, hearts sinking with agony as they ask, "Can this cup by taken from me?" Perhaps we don't consciously think this, but when we only give praise to those who offer positive insights during their suffering but remain woefully quiet to those who admit their struggle this seems to be the message we give. But, again, this is only my opinion.
So, as this is my opinion, I do not sugar coat my own suffering. I believe that it is only when we show our cracks, our scars and our battle wounds that others can see that is not our own strength that we survive these times of darkness and loss, but that the One who is greater in me is greater than the one who is in the world (1 John 4.4).
This summer was hard. I spent most of it lying on my couch in the living room or on a lawn chair in the front yard or back yard. During a twelve week time I visited about one store. A friend allowed me to visit her pool so I went there a few times and lay on her lawn chair and a different friend allowed me the same courtesy. The boys and I found a "private" (not really) beach that was a relatively short drive that I could make on my "good" days where Daxton would drag my lawn chair out and set it up for me (thank you, Jesus, my for 5-yr-old, this summer would have been so much harder without him). And on other "good" days I would bring my lawn chairs to parks where I would watch my boys play. The pain was constant and walking to and from the mailbox was a stretch. The people at Laser Spine could not explain why my level of pain was so great so I spent my summer watching my children play and wishing with every ounce of my being that I could be the wife and mother they deserved. How I would break down and cry, sob because I just wanted to run around the park and chase them, go for a bike ride with them, cook them a meal. And frankly, I was angry with God.
Time has become a blur but in the not-too-distant past my mom and I rode back to Cincinnati (you should have seen my ride, I was on a patio mat placed on a passenger seat that was laid all the way back with a wedge under my butt) to the Laser Spine Institute. The surgeon had no explanation for my severity of pain and wanted to do a second surgery another level up to decrease the pain as I have degeneration in my back at that level as well. This surgery will cost $20,000. . . we are still paying off the first surgery. So while only mildly depressed I rode back home (still in supreme luxury), back to my life of lying on the couch, lying on my lawn chair and wishing I had anyone's life but mine.
During this time of trial, I challenged myself to read the Bible when anxiety began to overwhelm me. To be honest, this was often so I read my Bible a lot. A couple of week ago I was reading about King Hezekiah when the Assyrians had laid siege to Jerusalem and the Assyrian King had written a very nasty letter threatening the well being of all of Judah. What struck me was Hezekiah's reaction. He took that letter, went to the temple, lay the letter out before the Lord and prayed.
Let me put this another way; during what appeared to be a hopeless situation, when Hezekiah was surrounded by gloom, when his enemies were taunting him, Hezekiah lay it all out before the Almighty and said, "Hear me, Oh Lord. Only You can deliver me!" And do you know what? God did.
That night, I spread my health bill before the Lord and let it represent all of my anxieties: all of my health problems, financial problems and fears about how this will affect the adoption and I prayed. And then I wrote down my prayer and I left. And do you know what? I'm a little better!
I can go for short runs. I can go for short walks. I can go to stores for short periods of time and purchase items as long as there is not a long check out line. I am still very limited. I can not lift anything of any weight. I cannot sit for any length of time. Or stand for that matter. Or bend. I probably will still need surgery. But I am grateful! I can drive and drop my son off to school, by myself! We went for a family "hike" on Sunday. It was short, but it was a hike. Did I mention I can go for run (okay, they're more like slow jogs but still).
My husband gave a very wise prayer last week in which he said, "God, we want everything to happen at once but it's not going to work that way. So help us to give praise for the steps. Help us to be thankful for the small things." And I am! I really am!
I began seeing a new doctor this week, one for pain management. This is the first doctor who has looked at me and, rather than asking, "What did you do for your spine to get so degenerated?" she has said, "We need to figure out how your spine has gotten so degenerated!" She thinks I have Osteopenia and if that's true, we can order more tests to find out more that's wrong with me. (Sarcastic, "yea!"). I'm weary of doctor's appointments, testing, bills and asking my mom to drive me to places that are too far for me to drive on my own. I'm tired of asking for people to vacuum my house or cook me meals. I'm tired of waking up and wondering what kind of day I'm going to have. But I'm thankful too. Because I am doing better and I have those friends I can ask to vacuum my house and drive me to Grand Rapids and bring me meals.
I want God to work through me. He has. It's strange but even with me in this severely degenerated state, He has used me greatly and I feel blessed. So I expose my cracks to you and I hope that through them you can see Him. I am weak, very very very weak but He is oh so strong!
2 Corinthians 4: 7 - 12
7-12 If you only look at us,
you might well miss the brightness. We carry this precious Message
around in the unadorned clay pots of our ordinary lives. That’s to
prevent anyone from confusing God’s incomparable power with us. As it
is, there’s not much chance of that. You know for yourselves that we’re
not much to look at. We’ve been surrounded and battered by troubles, but
we’re not demoralized; we’re not sure what to do, but we know that God
knows what to do; we’ve been spiritually terrorized, but God hasn’t left
our side; we’ve been thrown down, but we haven’t broken. What they did
to Jesus, they do to us—trial and torture, mockery and murder; what
Jesus did among them, he does in us—he lives! Our lives are at constant
risk for Jesus’ sake, which makes Jesus’ life all the more evident in
us. While we’re going through the worst, you’re getting in on the best!
