Sinus Rinse Me Jesus

It was Sunday morning and, as has been happening since we brought home our precious, however challenging three-yr-old daughter from India, I had hit my weekend breakdown. Our daughter's psychologist gently described it as my chance to let go, decompress and release after holding on for a full week once my husband was able to participate full time. I saw it more as a me losing my mind, but whatever.

We were walking the very short distance from our home to

church and tears were beginning to stream down my face. I had already had to tell both of my sons to find different shirts (amidst grumbling of course), turn my daughter's dress around, locate everyone's shoes, find the checkbook, the diaper bag and diapers for the diaper bag then snap at my husband for leaving me to "do it all." Thoughts of the past week and my areas of failure crept into my mind and anxieties of the upcoming week swirled around and around as well. My steps towards the church slowed and gradually I stopped, looked at my husband and whispered, "I can't do it this week," while shaking my head. I had only recently returned to church and had begun lying in the back pew as an autoimmune disease I have causes far too much pain for me to sit through an entire sermon. I was excited to try to resume our old routine of church together on Sunday morning but today I couldn't bear the thought of dozens of faces and questions.

Seeing my tears and knowing my weekend state the past couple of months, my husband gave me a hug and released me to return home. He told me he loved me and that I was a good mom, bless his heart. And through a blur of tears I walked home to my black lab mix Nana who waited me with wagging tail and upbeat spirit.

In an effort to make myself feel human, I washed my face and then did a nasal rinse using my Yeti Pot. (Yes, you read that right. It's a knock off of a Neti Pot and as an avid Yeti lover, how could I resist?). For reasons, some known some unknown, I suffer from chronic sinus problems so almost always have a cold or sinus infection so my Yeti Pot and I are almost inseperable. So much so that I had to explain to it why I didn't feel it prudent to bring it along to India when we picked up our daughter... I mean what water would I actually use to rinse with? Anyway, for those of you who may not know, a Neti Pot (or Yeti Pot) is a small tea pot looking thing that you fill with a salt water solution, and pour into one nostril. The saltwater makes it's way through your sinuses and pushes out the yukky, nasty stuff that I will leave you to picture in your own minds either through the other nostril or into the tissue you blow your nose into Perhaps a little gross but ultimately helpful!

Following the cleansing ritual, my faithful dog Nana and I went for a slow, worshipful walk where I vowed to not let me mind linger on the "what if's" and "why nots" but rather to try to see God and worship Him in everything I saw. I praised him in the beautiful spring trees filled with pink and white flowers. I praised him in the brightest green our state Michigan ever sees in the grass. I praised him as the tulips were out in full force, in many varied colors and sizes. I praised him for my patient husband and my children. For my many amazing friends who have surrounded me in so many ways. I praised him for the ability to go for a walk, something I am not always able to do, and I praised him for so much more. I tried to center my thoughts, breath and energy on HIM.

During this walk, about the time I rounded the mausoleum at the cemetery near our home, this strange thought came to me. I need God to sinus rinse me. I need Him to remove from me all of the nasty, filthy areas of my life so that I can be purified. Primarily, I need His truths to pour through my body, spirit and soul and push out all of the lies Satan has been so diligently whispering in my ear for such a long time.



When I hear the lie, "Your sickness keeps you from being a good enough mommy," I need to cling to the scripture:

Romans 8:28 For we that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose

or Philippians 1:6 Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus

Or when the horrible lies that I am alone and on no one understands may I saturate myself in the truth:

Hebrews 4: 15-16 For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with out weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way just as we are - yet he did not sin. Let us then approach God's throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.

Or when I hear Satan whispering that God hates me. How could He love me if I am left in such a humble state?

 Ephesians 3:17-19 And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power... to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love and Christ and ti know this love and surpasses knowledge..."
 
Or doubts about God's presence in my life? Has he forgotten me? Those fears can be pushed out by:

Isaiah 46:34 You whom I have upheld since your birth, and carried since you were born. Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he, I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and rescue you.

or Romans 8:31b If God is for us, who can be against us?

Or the horrible but sometimes unnerving lie that others would be better if I would somehow cease to exist

Psalm 118 I will not die but live, and will proclaim what the Lord has done


I need God's truths to rinse out and push out all of the nasty, gunk that Satan is doing His best to bog down my mind with. I need to keep myself grounded in God's truths and allow them to flow not just on me but in me. It may be a gross image, pushing out the undesirables from the sinus cavity,
But is there anything more disturbing than Satan's lies? Sinus rinse me, God! Flush out the lies and fill me with health, truth and Your love!

I Am A Clay Pot :)

It is of my opinion that we, in the Christian Faith, like to sugar coat our suffering. Somehow we have succumbed to this lie that to suffer, or rather to allow suffering to bother us, to cause us heartache, depression, sadness or frustration is a weakness of character and a lack of faith. When a believer, a son or daughter of God the Father, is about to be beheaded by the jihad, we expect them to raise their hands in praise and squeal with delight, "To God be the glory." When, in reality, I have a feeling they may lie with their face in the ground, tears streaming down their face, hearts sinking with agony as they ask, "Can this cup by taken from me?" Perhaps we don't consciously think this, but when we only give praise to those who offer positive insights during their suffering but remain woefully quiet to those who admit their struggle this seems to be the message we give. But, again, this is only my opinion.

So, as this is my opinion, I do not sugar coat my own suffering. I believe that it is only when we show our cracks, our scars and our battle wounds that others can see that is not our own strength that we survive these times of darkness and loss, but that the One who is greater in me is greater than the one who is in the world (1 John 4.4). 

This summer was hard. I spent most of it lying on my couch in the living room or on a lawn chair in the front yard or back yard. During a twelve week time I visited about one store. A friend allowed me to visit her pool so I went there a few times and lay on her lawn chair and a different friend allowed me the same courtesy. The boys and I found a "private" (not really) beach that was a relatively short drive that I could make on my "good" days where Daxton would drag my lawn chair out and set it up for me (thank you, Jesus, my for 5-yr-old, this summer would have been so much harder without him). And on other "good" days I would bring my lawn chairs to parks where I would watch my boys play. The pain was constant and walking to and from the mailbox was a stretch. The people at Laser Spine could not explain why my level of pain was so great so I spent my summer watching my children play and wishing with every ounce of my being that I could be the wife and mother they deserved. How I would break down and cry, sob because I just wanted to run around the park and chase them, go for a bike ride with them, cook them a meal. And frankly, I was angry with God. 

Time has become a blur but in the not-too-distant past my mom and I rode back to Cincinnati (you should have seen my ride, I was on a patio mat placed on a passenger seat that was laid all the way back with a wedge under my butt) to the Laser Spine Institute. The surgeon had no explanation for my severity of pain and wanted to do a second surgery another level up to decrease the pain as I have degeneration in my back at that level as well. This surgery will cost $20,000. . .  we are still paying off the first surgery. So while only mildly depressed I rode back home (still in supreme luxury), back to my life of lying on the couch, lying on my lawn chair and wishing I had anyone's life but mine.

During this time of trial, I challenged myself to read the Bible when anxiety began to overwhelm me. To be honest, this was often so I read my Bible a lot. A couple of week ago I was reading about King Hezekiah when the Assyrians had laid siege to Jerusalem and the Assyrian King had written a very nasty letter threatening the well being of all of Judah. What struck me was Hezekiah's reaction. He took that letter, went to the temple, lay the letter out before the Lord and prayed. 

Let me put this another way; during what appeared to be a hopeless situation, when Hezekiah was surrounded by gloom, when his enemies were taunting him, Hezekiah lay it all out before the Almighty and said, "Hear me, Oh Lord. Only You can deliver me!" And do you know what? God did.

That night, I spread my health bill before the Lord and let it represent all of my anxieties: all of my health problems, financial problems and fears about how this will affect the adoption and I prayed. And then I wrote down my prayer and I left. And do you know what? I'm a little better!

I can go for short runs. I can go for short walks. I can go to stores for short periods of time and purchase items as long as there is not a long check out line. I am still very limited. I can not lift anything of any weight. I cannot sit for any length of time. Or stand for that matter. Or bend. I probably will still need surgery. But I am grateful! I can drive and drop my son off to school, by myself! We went for a family "hike" on Sunday. It was short, but it was a hike. Did I mention I can go for run (okay, they're more like slow jogs but still).

My husband gave a very wise prayer last week in which he said, "God, we want everything to happen at once but it's not going to work that way. So help us to give praise for the steps. Help us to be thankful for the small things." And I am! I really am!

I began seeing a new doctor this week, one for pain management. This is the first doctor who has looked at me and, rather than asking, "What did you do for your spine to get so degenerated?" she has said, "We need to figure out how your spine has gotten so degenerated!" She thinks I have Osteopenia and if that's true, we can order more tests to find out more that's wrong with me. (Sarcastic, "yea!"). I'm weary of doctor's appointments, testing, bills and asking my mom to drive me to places that are too far for me to drive on my own. I'm tired of asking for people to vacuum my house or cook me meals. I'm tired of waking up and wondering what kind of day I'm going to have. But I'm thankful too. Because I am doing better and I have those friends I can ask to vacuum my house and drive me to Grand Rapids and bring me meals. 

I want God to work through me. He has. It's strange but even with me in this severely degenerated state, He has used me greatly and I feel blessed. So I expose my cracks to you and I hope that through them you can see Him. I am weak, very very very weak but He is oh so strong! 

2 Corinthians 4: 7 - 12
^7-12 If you only look at us, you might well miss the brightness. We carry this precious Message around in the unadorned clay pots of our ordinary lives. That’s to prevent anyone from confusing God’s incomparable power with us. As it is, there’s not much chance of that. You know for yourselves that we’re not much to look at. We’ve been surrounded and battered by troubles, but we’re not demoralized; we’re not sure what to do, but we know that God knows what to do; we’ve been spiritually terrorized, but God hasn’t left our side; we’ve been thrown down, but we haven’t broken. What they did to Jesus, they do to us—trial and torture, mockery and murder; what Jesus did among them, he does in us—he lives! Our lives are at constant risk for Jesus’ sake, which makes Jesus’ life all the more evident in us. While we’re going through the worst, you’re getting in on the best!

When Life Becomes Hard. . . Lean on a Friend

I will return to Cincinnati on Monday for a pain discussion. It would be a total and complete lie to say this was in my plan, but after spending the entire summer lying on my couch and a very cool, but not-so-fun lawn chair, it was time. We are hoping an MRI will show what went wrong after surgery and they will be able to fix it.

This summer has been filled with days of feeling hopeful and feeling completely helpless. I have learned that my level of pain is very much tied to my level of hopefulness or depression. When I'm in less pain it's easier to feel optimistic; however, when the pain is high the tendency to feel without hope and in despair is much easier to fall into.

On those days when my hope is low and my future looks bleak I envision my life being weighed down by countless hours and years spent forced on my back. I see myself being able to do little more than work the remote, read and lie on my belly to draw. I picture my adoption to my beautiful daughter being ruined by my condition. I envision family vacations taken without me and all family play times being enjoyed by others while I lie nearby and watch them play.

With such back pain, I really am limited to lying down 95% of the time. More than five minutes of standing or sitting begin to cause pain, so after standing or sitting for any length of time, I must go and lie back down. With such extreme disability. it feels as though I am watching my life pass by; I am a viewer in my own life.

However, and here is the good part, God has put into my life countless friends who are helping to carry me through this very difficult season. In Luke 5 there was a paralyzed man who was unable to make it to Jesus to be healed and he had good friends who carried him to Jesus on a mat. I am that man being carried right now. When my faith is low, my friends are carrying me. When my faith is weak, it is my friends faith that helps me along. When my hope of my adoption being crushed, the faith and belief of others is the mat I lie on.

2 Samuel 22 David writes a poem about God being angry in regards to David's suffering and rescuing Him. He refers to God as His rock, refuge, shield, and fortress.

Many, many times I have not felt as though God has been any of these things for me. I have felt abandoned and alone. Regardless of my feelings, I have never been abandoned or alone. God is near me and he has been by rock, refuge, shield and fortress. He has helped reveal that to me through so many of you. When my faith was too weak for my to lift my head and look to Him, you held it up for my through phone calls, meals, cleaning, my house words and arranged meetings. I love you, all of you! You, friends, are the church! You friends, are my mat!

I am going to Cincinnati with a bit of a heavy heart as I have concerns about what they might not find. I am almost afraid to hope for healing as so many times I have hoped for healing before only to be let down. This last let down was hard; probably the hardest of them all. But, God is faithful! His is my Rock, Refuge, Shield and Fortress!

I need to Hope; I need to chose to live in Hope. So, with a weary but steadfast heart I will hope one more time and give God a chance to work through this. And you, my friends, will hope along with me and I love you for it!

A whirlwind Month With Jesus By My Side

I have found that if I am not looking for Jesus, I often miss Him. If, however, I open myself up to seeing His presence in my life, He is literally everywhere!

Surgery week for me in Cincinnati was the first week in June.  I think there were literally hundreds of people praying for me back home in Holland, MI and at least another dozen praying for me that I met while in Cincinnati Ohio/Covington, KY (where my hotel was).

During that week I saw Jesus in so many ways!
 - A larger than life, fake eye lash wearing, vaulting out of laser spine chairs angel named Pam gave me a hug when needed and later was in my same hotel and prayed over me, placing her hands on me and blessing me in the name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit just outside of the elevators. I felt His Power come upon me while she prayed! She later called me to check on me two times during my stay. I will never see her again but she forever impacted me
- The staff at the hotel was amazing! They checked non stop for a room to open up when it was discovered I would need to stay an extra two nights and the hotel was booked. As soon as they found a room, they booked it for me. They also prayed for me and were always so willing to swap out my ice packs which was often six or seven times a day. They also gave my boys free toys and saved us bananas because, well, we like bananas :)
- When I had to get my nerve testing done to make sure the surgery would be a success, the pain I felt during the test was pretty much identical to the pain I feel/felt on a daily basis giving me much hope. Additionally while we were there, I was able to talk art with the two physicians who preformed my procedure (not a talent of mine but a definite hobby) and one of them was Indian so we were able to talk India for a while. Additionally, my mom and I were able to pray over another patient who seemed to be struggling and I added to my prayer list a woman who had been suffering from back pain for eight years.
- A staff as Laser Spine named Brenda took me in, prayed for me and made me up a meal on the day of my surgery from what they had in the cafeteria to take back to my room. She was an additional comfort during a stressful and uncertain time. 
- Two days after returning home from we received a very large anonymous donation to help with our adoption which could not have come at a more welcome time as we had just paid a large sum to help with surgery costs and it set us back quite a bit in our adoption savings. 
 . . . I could go on but these are some of the high lights.

We then went on a three night vacation that I was told would be okay to go on. I think that was a lie as afterward I ended up in more pain that before, but live and learn. The vacation was fun and it was enjoyable to spend time with my family and watch my boys (all three of them) swim like fish in the pool.

We then came home where I tried to resume life only to find that my back was not so accommodating. My back became very much inflamed and I began to question God's plan, faithfulness and whether or not the surgery worked as I now had to take to complete bed rest. My attitude turned sour and I was, frankly, quite the pill. However, after a morning of fasting, Bible reading and prayer I felt convicted and changed my attitude. I began to look for Jesus again, since then, boy has he show up.

I literally woke up in the night last night, weeping because of God's goodness to us, His faithfulness to us during this difficult season of life. Let me share His blessings, many of whom are you.

- Our adoption match with Samyuktha (our 1.5 yr old Indian Princess) was officially approved by India! This means we can begin paperwork in India and move forward on bringing home our sweet little girl. This also means we received five new, better photos and more information about our sweetheart. Want to see the pictures? (You know you do) Stop on by!
- Because of the official match, we have two very large payments due for the adoption and, because of medical expenses, we were about $3,200 short. Yesterday in the mail we received a very large anonymous donation and, while it doesn't cover the entire cost, it help a great deal. I quite literally wept when I opened the mail. (A lot of weeping lately!)
- My house has been a revolving door of people - you - coming and going doing everything from providing meals, doing my laundry, cleaning my bathrooms, vacuuming and even just visiting. I don't even think I can count the number of visitors we have had since Monday. I have literally run out of thank you cards and because I am stuck at home. . . er, well, just know you are appreciated if you don't get one. I tried to tell Joe how many people have been here because he gets to see so few of you. I honestly am considering starting a log book so I can look back and remember.
- While being so stuck at home, there are countless errands that have needed to be run, some of them urgent for our adoption. My parents have willingly and without complaint taken on this often monotonous task, even scanning documents page by page to help bring home their granddaughter. In the meantime, Joe's parents have been gathering groceries for us and getting more of the essential items that I am unable to go out and buy.
- Daxton's school tuition is due very soon and, with all of the other bills we were unsure how to pay for it, but in less than 24 hours, Joe sold a very old, beat up looking suburban to cover the cost.

So you see. God is so good!!!! All I had to do was pull my head out from under my blankets and look out to see the sun (Son - ha!). If any of you are in a rut, I would encourage you to do the same. I would also encourage you to pray for others. I have found it be an awesome way to get the monkey of self-pity off my back and bring on some compassion for others.

The verse that came to mind was from the sermon on the mount:
Matthew 7:9Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? ¹⁰ Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? ¹¹ If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!

God has given me so much more than I could have asked or imagined! I just had to open my eyes to it. Or, as Lincoln said, look for the "Sun rays"!


If this is horribly written, you will just have to extend grace. Sitting to write is quite painful so I cannot take the time to go through and correct and make beautiful as I would like to. But I wanted to make know that God is good, all the time!

Giving thanks for the fleas

Two of my heroes in life are Corey TenBoem and her sister Betsy; their entire lives were filled with sacrifice and spreading the love of Jesus. Their service during WWII was just a culmination or high light of their service. One of their stories that has always stood out to me was when they were spending another uncomfortable, cold, itchy night in the barracks of a concentration camp and Betsy insisted that they give thanks for the biting fleas. Corey was quite put out and wanted to refuse but, in her quiet, gentle way Betsy convinced Corey quoting the scripture, "In everything, give thanks." Corey relented and gave thanks for the fleas. . . . After time had passed the two found out that because of the jumping, biting, make your skin crawl fleas the guards, who normally patrol the barracks, avoided these particular barracks allowing for better fellowship and freedom among the prisoners. There was a reason to give thanks for the fleas.

God has a reason.

When Joe and I submitted our USCIS application to adopt from Ethiopia we were frustrated and stressed out when it was delayed due to an RFE (request for further evidence). However, during the wait we found out about the need in India and decided to switch countries. Had our paperwork gone through without a hitch, the way we had wanted, we would not have chosen to adopt through India and we would not be matched with precious, little Samyuktha.

God has a plan.


Friends, I must admit my human weakness. I want to know how it's all going to work out. I don't like pain. I don't like struggle. I hate stress. I really, really, really struggle with the idea of finding joy in trial.

James 1 Consider it pure joy. . . whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish it's worth so you will be mature and complete not lacking anything.

I have memorized this verse. I have meditated on this verse. I have prayed over this verse. And I still do not get this verse. I guess you could say I'm still pretty low on the maturity scale, but that's where God's grace comes in. Thank heaven for that!


With all of that, here is the latest. Next week I go in to the Laser Spine Institute in Cincinnati for laser spine surgery on my back. The huge praise is that this is an option; they have looked at my MRI and think that I am a strong candidate to be helped by their procedure. My Uncle Sam had this done a little over a year ago and said it was like a miracle so we are praying for similar results on my end.

More praise is that I have wonderful family and friends (truly wonderful, this is no small exaggeration) who are helping me during the week I am away. One of whom is traveling with me, others who are watching my boys and still others have already offered to help when I come home.

Where I am struggling is fear. Fear that the surgery will fail and we will have wasted time (both mine and the many of you who are helping), and money. I have tried so many things over the past fifteen months that I am afraid to get my hopes up.

Joe and I are also very much struggling with the financial aspect and the timing of it all. Laser spine surgery is considered "experimental" and is therefore not covered by insurance. Because of our adoption we are already "tapped out." We have had to pull some of our precious, "Samy" resources (money we were planning on using to bring home our Indian princess) to pay for the surgery and take out a care credit loan on top of that. We're scared. Why now? Is God faithful? Will He be Faithful? How will He be Faithful?

Yesterday someone posted something on facebook I truly appreciated, it said, "Do you feel like you're drowning? Don't worry, your Lifeguard walks on water!"     I needed that.

Yesterday Joe quoted, "Trust in the Lord will all your heart; lean not on your own understanding! In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will direct your paths."

So we are trusting, with a childlike trust, we are looking up to our Heavenly Father expecting that He will bring us our daily bread each day. Expecting that He will be able to replenish our resources and cause the five loaves of bread and two fish to turn into twelve basketful so we can bring home our Samy.

And we are giving thanks for our "fleas."

"Thank you, Jesus. Thank you for this debt. Thank you for this challenge. We do not understand your will. We do not like it. But we trust you. We believe that you have a plan. Our job is not to trust but to obey."

If any of you feel so called to help with our adoption, I will leave a link below but, above all, please pray. We need prayer most of all! Thank you!
https://www.crowdrise.com/ForemanFamilysIndianAdoption/fundraiser/stephanieforeman1

One Year

This marks one full year of, what I would call, intense pain. The discomfort in my back began before then but the real pain started almost exactly a year ago.

>Last year I had been training for the 5/3rd Riverbank Run. I really wanted to "get even" with this run as when I had run it before I had no idea what I was doing and burned out before I even hit the halfway mark and finished far slower than my goal time. Literally two days before the race last year, my back began giving me extreme pain. So extreme, in fact, I could not stand up straight.

By the grace of God, on the day of the race I could at least stand straight and I ran the race and even finished with a relatively decent time. It was a very painful race and I can't help but wonder how I would have done if my back had not been aching, but for those of you who run long distance you can appreciate the satisfaction in being able to finish after the months of training and prep.

Next Saturday I will be knocking on 5/3rd's door again, this time with a different goal in mind. I essentially gave up running this winter to see if it would improve my back. It didn't. So, after meeting with the surgeon who shall not be named, and seeing no immediate change in my future, I felt honestly called by God to lace up my running shoes and take back life as much as I could. It's a strange calling from God. The exact words I felt impressed upon me were, "Get up. Stop crying. Take off your jeans, put on your running tights and go run 5 miles." I didn't want to, but I did. God knows me so well :)

Later that day, a neighbor and friend of mine whom I love texted me and asked if she could train for the race with me. I cannot tell you what a God send this was. Giving myself less than six weeks to train for a 15.5 mile race was crazy so having a friend who was crazy enough to do it with me has made it so much more enjoyable. She is a wonderful, God-fearing woman who has set aside her own training to accomodate me in mine. I am so blessed.

Essentially every morning I wake up in pain. And, if it's not first thing in the morning, it will come soon. I have tried PT, chiropractic, injections, pain meds and a lot of prayer. I am so weary. This morning I cried; I bawled because I am so tired of fighting this pain that will not go away. But I opened my Bible and found this gem waiting for me

1 Cor 5: ⁷ But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. ⁸ We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; ⁹ persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.

I do not have to be strong, which is good because I am not. I need Jesus. Let me type that again. I NEED JESUS!!!  Every time in so many moment I rely on him. I rely on him to sit through meetings. I rely on him when I have to wait for more than a minute in the grocery store. I rely on him when a friend sweetly corners me in a store or at church, unknowing that every second I stand listening to her small talk my pain increases. I rely on him when I take my boys to the park or zoo or when I lie on the floor to do school with my oldest.

2 Cor 12 "For when I am weak, then I am strong."

This week will be hard as I come to terms with a full year of pain and the knowledege that there is no end in sight. But I have been so blessed through this year by so many of you. Some of you have been a blessing to me and not even known it. 

I know the journey is long and it's easy to forget my pain. But to me, it's daily. So please continue your prayers. 

God is faithful; He will see me through!  

Challenge Accepted

Today I met with a surgeon. I will not say his name because I did not like the man very much. I felt like he was a little condescending and made me feel small for even visiting with him. Regardless, I did get some helpful and only mildly dissapointing information from him:

First of all, this whole time we have been focussed on the bulging disc as the problem. Turns out the larger problem is that I have degenerative disc disease and the disc itself is resembling a deflated tire. This is what is causing the pain. In some ways this made sense to me because all of the exercises/stretches/etc. that normally help with a bulging disc have done nothing for me.

He also told me about the seriousness of surgery, which we already knew. It is very invasive and only has a 40 - 50% effectiveness rate. Yes, friends, it only helps 40 - 50% of the time! So, he recommended that we try everything before making that leap. I have to agree.

I have a new script to try physical therapy again, this time with a new physical therapist that I have respect for. This PT has worked with someone close to me more than once and is very honest, which I appreciate.

At first I felt incredibly disheartened. I don't want surgery, and I certainly don't want to have my spine fused, but I want to be pain free. But then, God gave me a new perspective: This is a challenge. For those of you who know me, there is nothing I love more than a good physical challenge and here I am facing the epitome of all challenges.

This is not the life that God wants for me; I am sure of that! I have been oppressed too long by the pain and possibly even lies of pain that Satan may be whispering in my ear. So I am accepting this challenge and, frankly, I am going to attack it and beat it to the ground!

I got home, ran 5 miles and decided, God willing, I will be running the Riverbank Run in mid May (15.5 miles). I will do even more core training. I will introduce light low back exercises and begin my PT. If something hurts, I'll stop. But if it doesn't, I'm going to keep on going.

John 16:33 I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.

If I've got this Guy on my side, how can I go wrong?

God is good, all the time!!!