Autumn Run

Psalm 73.21-22 when my heart was grieved and my spirit embittered, I was senseless and ignorant; I was a brute beast before you. Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory

I went on a run yesterday. The route is a shorter distance for me, hilly but quite beautiful after you pass the first mile marker. As I was running I couldn’t help but think how much this run resembled my current life journey over the past few months. 

I hit a patch of crab apples, tiny crab apples resembling large berries. My trusty dog and I ran over them and let me tell you, nothing feels more awesome than crushing dozens of crab apples under your feet as you run. It’s this amazing sensation, I almost felt like the crab apples gave me springs and made me bounce higher. In my mind these crab apples resembled all of the shit, yes shit, that Satan has thrown my way and how I’ve just had to run right over it. I wanted to hide from it, take time outs and turn and run in the other direction but in order to get where I needed to go I had to stomp on the shit Satan was throwing at me and just get through it. While awful, sometimes running through it made me feel empowered because he wasn’t winning.

Shortly after I finished “Crab Apple Lane” I ran into something much more disgusting; I saw what appeared to be the intestine of an animal spread out across the sidewalk. I had no desire to run on top of or anywhere near this internal body function! But I withheld my vomit and jumped overtop, grateful that my dog paid no attention to it. The intestine reminded me of the ugly things in life that I’ve had to face. I don’t necessarily have to stare at it but I can’t get away from it and I have to cross it when I come to it if I want to move forward. 

Finally I came to the part of my run that I like to call heaven. It’s this little upward hill that has trees on both sides making a natural canopy of leaves over the sidewalk; in the autumn you can only imagine the color! Brilliant, breathtaking and making every step worth it, I always feel so alive and in touch with my Creator when I reach this part of my journey. Stomping over Satan’s lies, hindrances and madness followed by facing the ugliness in my life that I’ve had to come face to face with will all be rewarded one day when I am held in my Father’s arms in that wonderful place we call heaven.

I have been in battle and the battle is not over but thank God Almighty that the battle belongs to the Lord!

Penny For Your Thoughts?

SamyLynn, my eat your heart out, adorable, 3-yr-old daughter, adopted from India, comes running into the living room as excited as she can be.

"Mommy, I find-a money!" she holds out in her precious, brown hand a single penny. While in my mind the total value of a penny is one cent, in her mind the penny is invaluable and she could not be more happy with her treasure. To her, that penny is priceless!

I often feel like all I have to offer in this life is a single penny. With my AS I am extremely limited in what I am able to do and often bemoan my lot in life as even sitting through a cup of coffee or Bible study are out of the question. I feel helpless to the many volunteer opportunities that come along but I have to pass up on due to my limitations. I have created a mental "cannot" list that causes me heartache. I have convinced myself that others, out of a lack of understanding, look at me and see a pathetic woman who does nothing and never tries, which only increases my frustration. Mentally, I am lying on my worn out beach chair that I must drag around to socialize, holding in my hand a penny to God, with tears streaming down my face saying "I only wish it could be more!"

Luke 21:1-4 

As Jesus looked up, he saw the rich putting their gifts into the temple treasury. He also saw a poor widow put in two very small copper coins. "Truly I tell you, "he said, "this poor widow has put in more than all the others. All these people gave their gifts out of their wealth; but she out of her poverty put in all she had to live on. "

While the widow offers two copper coins, I offer a disease filled body. God never asks us to give more than we are able, He simply asks us to give ALL that we are able. If my body is only able to give one pennies worth (or two copper coins) than He will take it gratefully. 

I wonder if the widow was embarrassed to put her offering in where it must have been clear for all to see? I struggle with such thoughts as I give my most; which for me often means pacing back and forth maniacally or lying in inconvenient places, and feeling eyes on me, judging, questioning and sometimes condemning. But we need not be ashamed, she and I, when we are giving our hearts out to the Lord, she with her coins and me on the church floor. We give what we are able, wholehearted surrender, worship and gifts to our King. 

The worth of one penny is all in the eyes of the beholder, my friends! SamyLynn has it right! So don't be afraid to lift those pennies high in offering because God sees your heart, mind, body and resources and He knows what you have to give!!!

Harry Potter Meets Jim Carrey

I'm not sure how many of you are familiar with an old movie starring Jim Carrey where he is given the power to grant people's prayers, essentially play God, for a time. His response is to say "yes " to every prayer which, as you can imagine, leads to some regrettable outcomes.     

                                  .           .         .

Awoken to audible peals of laughter, I arose from my sleep, only to realize the laughs were mine. (Whoops, I do that sometimes. Better than snoring, right?) At once memories of an amazing dream surfaced, one where I lived in an apartment complex and was secretly allowed to grant people's wishes. Many of the people's wishes involved fairytale like objects: magic wands, hats with giant plumes and invisibility capes. There was one kindly gentleman who, upon being granted his wish, was so giddy with his new found "power" he began to wreak havoc upon the apartment. Levitating, spinning and flying objects began to chase us throughout the halls. After I became hit with one especially nasty medal object, regrettably I knew I would have to take back all of the wishes I had granted. The gentleman apologized afterwards, recognizing how the new power had affected him. He had no intentions of being so wily and meant no harm, all he sought was a little fun and all I wanted was to surprise my friends with happiness.

You can be jealous, it was an awesome dream! But, as you know, not all things in my life are quite as awesome. I have been overheard saying that if I could be granted one wish it would be purely selfish and to be cured. Yep, you read that correctly. I'm not the superstar you thought, right? But I believe it's natural to want to escape pain/trial so while I wish I was above it, I'm not. I've been bitter and angry with God about my suffering, my AS and my seemingly ever growing list of health problems. And I think, "Why won't you heal me?!"

Cue 2 Corinthians 12 again, where Paul discusses his ambiguous thorn. Again, we don't know what the pain Paul must endure is, just that God has not, in his wisdom, chosen to relieve Paul of it. Paul says, "to keep me from becoming proud, I was given a thorn in my flesh" (NLT). Perhaps Paul would  have caused massive amounts of levitating and zooming objects without his thorn?

Romans 11.33-34 "oh the depths of the riches and wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are his judgements and how inscrutable are his ways? For who has known the mind of the Lord or who has been his counselor?" (ESV)

There is a reason Jim Carrey is not God (can I get a big fat A-men to that one?) and there is a reason I'm not either. I wake up in the morning and have no idea where my pants are let alone how to get the sun to rise or whose prayers I should say yes and no to. God is abundantly larger than me and my little mind, his knowledge I cannot comprehend.  Albeit frustrating at times when I don't understand but perhaps, much like the kindly gentlemen in my dream, as well meaning as I might be, I might not be able to stop myself from taking out neighbors with flying toys, brooms and refrigerators. Sometimes the answer is no and I just have to trust that there is a reason. 

God is good all the time, it just doesn't always feel like it

Uh, God, I Think You Forgot Something...

It was exactly one week after I woke up and couldn't stand that Joe and I went to an adoption seminar to learn about the needs and types of adoption. This was for Joe's benefit, I had wanted to adopt since I could remember thanks to a Korean adopted cousin. (Hearts, Wendy). I knew I wanted to adopt and I knew I wanted it to be international. Joe was more nervous but open to the idea because he figured if God had put this desire that strongly on my heart there must be a reason. 

We left the meeting knowing we would adopt.

The following month we made our decision public and met with our social worker to begin our home study. I was having back pain at the time but saw no reason to mention it as I truly believed the pain was structural and would be cleared up after a few more Physical Therapy appointments. We marched forward fearlessly believing God would move mountains on behalf of whatever child He had waiting for us.

In December I finally began to admit to others that something was wrong with me and I was suffering from what could now be coined "chronic pain." This was when things got weird. Well intentioned Christians began to tell me that Satan hates adoption and He was attacking me because we were adopting. I was told my health was being attacked because, as a personal trainer, my health mattered more to me than most and Satan attacks where it hurts. I was told God would rescue in the 11th hour, that He's rarely early but He's never late. Essentially all of these messages made it sound like my health problems were adoption problems, Satan coming out to attack because we were adopting. And I grew to believe in this beautiful fairytale of the evil dragon Satan being slay by the white knight Jesus mere days before Princess Stephanie had to board her plane to India.

Our adoption journey was met with many snags. We had a new judge which delayed us bringing our precious SamyLynn home three months. I felt at peace because I thought it would give the new medication the time it needed to ease my suffering. The medication didn't work. Then things got held up again and we didn't know why but I was okay because I had a new medication to hope in. This medication also didn't work. We found out the court was on strike which was the reason for the long delay and was going to add more wait time yet. Another medication, another hope... In the back of my mind during the entire wait I kept thinking, "God, when are you going to fix this pain? I have to go to India to get my daughter. Now? Will it be now? You promised! I'm being faithful. I'm doing what you asked." 

We waited an unheard of 22 months after being matched with our sweet baby, more months than the age she was when we were first matched, before we were able to board the plane to pick up our daughter. During the entire wait, I thought the delays were so I could heal because others had eluded to this being some sort of spiritual battle. But when I boarded the plane, my back was just as bad, if not worse, than before. We had to spend thousands extra so I could fly business class to get me over the ocean.

I know people were well meaning in their insights, but ultimately their encouragements were hurtful. Job 11.7 "Who can fathom the mysteries of God?" God's ways are so much bigger and greater. God did have plans for us, plans to prosper us, to give us a hope and a future (Isaiah 29.11). 

I'd done my part. I'd always felt called to adopt. I'd even spoken with a pastor and asked if I should pull out in regards to my health but still felt called to move forward. So what was God doing? 

Well... we spent thousands upon thousands on my health and somehow, even after all of that spending, we were able to afford a $40,000 adoption on a mechanic's salary.

During our time in India, while I did have pain, I was somehow able to manage all of the appointments we had to go to with an overall minimal amount of agony and a fairly quick recovery time.

We are home! Five months later we are home with this sweet, sassy three-yr-old who has found her way into the family and cares very much for everyone including "my mommy" as she calls me with the "owy on her back." 

God has been faithful. He has not forgotten us. We made the mistake of going ahead and telling God what to do, rather than waiting for God to show up. I think of Elijah on the mountain looking for God in the fire and the winds but it was in the still, small voice. God has been enough and He will continue to be enough if only I'm willing to accept Him as He appears. 

The Lesson I Haven't Learned

Back in May of 2014 I awoke one morning and couldn't stand up straight. Much like a middle aged man in a TV sitcom, I was stuck in a bent over position, holding my back. The weird thing was, I had no idea why. What I assumed would be a short lived pain became a life long hell.

After that day I never returned to my previous, pain free self. I was able to stand again, thank God, but there has always been pain and lots of it. I had been seeing a chiropractor prior to that day because my hips felt strange. In reality it was inflamed sacroiliac joints that I was feeling, but I didn't know it at the time and neither did the chiropractor. He just kept adjusting me which actually increased the inflammation, thereby the pain every time. 

Next I went to physical therapy where I was told my core wasn't strong enough, a pretty standard answer given to anyone with low back pain. I tried to hold in my offense and skepticism as I'd spent the last 10 years as an active personal trainer and runner. I thought, "My word, I must be a horrible trainer! I have a six pack and yet a weak core!?" I tried all of the tricks my PT threw my way, but the daily pain persisted. May I say I was mildly relieved that a weak core was not to blame?

I once again saw my primary care doctor and this was when the real fun started. I began to see specialists, try medical procedures involving needles larger than you can imagine, medicines that gave me migraines and even spent far more than my, by this time, single income family, could afford on a surgery that did nothing but increase the pain. Nothing helped. Pain was my living (and sleeping) nightmare.

In February of 2016 I finally received a diagnosis: Ankylosing Spondylitis, an inflammatory disease that affects the joints, primarily the spine. This meant there would never be a quick fix, surgery or medicine to heal me. Having a diagnosis was nice, I no longer felt insane and could give people an answer when they asked what was wrong with me (although giving them the name of a disease that sounds like a species of dinosaur isn't overly helpful). And there were promising medications to, at least, help the symptoms. Since the diagnosis, I have met with my rheumatologist nearly a dozen times, tried half a dozen new drugs but still to no avail. For whatever reason, I am destined to a life of daily pain.

As a believer in Christ, one of the frustrations I have struggled with during this journey is the popular belief that there must be a "lesson" amidst the pain and my faith must be weak if I struggle with my current circumstance in life. I have issues with this; let me explain why...

The idea that there is a lesson in the pain sounds something like this to someone going through trial. "If you just learn the lesson; figure out what God is trying to teach you, you can be out of your misery." And therefore if someone, such as myself, continues to struggle the question is, "Am I so dim-witted as to not be able to figure it out?" Of course not! But this is the sort of message we paint when we spout such beliefs. Admittedly, I have learned many lessons during my journey and I'm sure I will learn many more. But I don't think God put me in this place to teach me something. Rather, I believe I am a victim of a fallen world. It stinks! But it's truth. And no lesson will pull me out of my misery.

The second fallacy: my faith must be weak if I struggle with my circumstance. No one outright says this but in backhanded ways they do. They applaud the social media posts where I give praise in my struggle and tell me how awesome my faith is. And yet tell tell me to "lift my eyes to the hills" when I express despair or else post nothing at all. I question how many have lived in the trenches? Truly, truly lived a life filled with pain? A life with more limitations than they have abilities (or so it seems)? Watched as their friends go to events while they sit home unable to attend, knowing this is most likely forever? I believe it's ok to question God. To cry out to God. To struggle with the pain/trial. If you search, you will find the Psalms are full of such cries. Ps 13:1-2 How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever? ... How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and day after day have sorrow in my heart?

One of my favorite verses comes from 2 Corinthians 12 where Paul discusses the thorn in his flesh. We are not privy to the knowledge of what the thorn is, however we can fathom it's quite the burden as Paul says, "three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away." And what was God's reply? Was it, "Only after you've learned your lesson"? Or "Why can't you just be content?" No, our Sovereign, Loving, Heavenly Father said, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."

I am just one of many going through what may be a life long trial, but at least I don't have to go it alone. Even when my strength is not enough, even when I'm crying out in pain, God's grace is sufficient and that's enough for me!

Sinus Rinse Me Jesus

It was Sunday morning and, as has been happening since we brought home our precious, however challenging three-yr-old daughter from India, I had hit my weekend breakdown. Our daughter's psychologist gently described it as my chance to let go, decompress and release after holding on for a full week once my husband was able to participate full time. I saw it more as a me losing my mind, but whatever.

We were walking the very short distance from our home to

church and tears were beginning to stream down my face. I had already had to tell both of my sons to find different shirts (amidst grumbling of course), turn my daughter's dress around, locate everyone's shoes, find the checkbook, the diaper bag and diapers for the diaper bag then snap at my husband for leaving me to "do it all." Thoughts of the past week and my areas of failure crept into my mind and anxieties of the upcoming week swirled around and around as well. My steps towards the church slowed and gradually I stopped, looked at my husband and whispered, "I can't do it this week," while shaking my head. I had only recently returned to church and had begun lying in the back pew as an autoimmune disease I have causes far too much pain for me to sit through an entire sermon. I was excited to try to resume our old routine of church together on Sunday morning but today I couldn't bear the thought of dozens of faces and questions.

Seeing my tears and knowing my weekend state the past couple of months, my husband gave me a hug and released me to return home. He told me he loved me and that I was a good mom, bless his heart. And through a blur of tears I walked home to my black lab mix Nana who waited me with wagging tail and upbeat spirit.

In an effort to make myself feel human, I washed my face and then did a nasal rinse using my Yeti Pot. (Yes, you read that right. It's a knock off of a Neti Pot and as an avid Yeti lover, how could I resist?). For reasons, some known some unknown, I suffer from chronic sinus problems so almost always have a cold or sinus infection so my Yeti Pot and I are almost inseperable. So much so that I had to explain to it why I didn't feel it prudent to bring it along to India when we picked up our daughter... I mean what water would I actually use to rinse with? Anyway, for those of you who may not know, a Neti Pot (or Yeti Pot) is a small tea pot looking thing that you fill with a salt water solution, and pour into one nostril. The saltwater makes it's way through your sinuses and pushes out the yukky, nasty stuff that I will leave you to picture in your own minds either through the other nostril or into the tissue you blow your nose into Perhaps a little gross but ultimately helpful!

Following the cleansing ritual, my faithful dog Nana and I went for a slow, worshipful walk where I vowed to not let me mind linger on the "what if's" and "why nots" but rather to try to see God and worship Him in everything I saw. I praised him in the beautiful spring trees filled with pink and white flowers. I praised him in the brightest green our state Michigan ever sees in the grass. I praised him as the tulips were out in full force, in many varied colors and sizes. I praised him for my patient husband and my children. For my many amazing friends who have surrounded me in so many ways. I praised him for the ability to go for a walk, something I am not always able to do, and I praised him for so much more. I tried to center my thoughts, breath and energy on HIM.

During this walk, about the time I rounded the mausoleum at the cemetery near our home, this strange thought came to me. I need God to sinus rinse me. I need Him to remove from me all of the nasty, filthy areas of my life so that I can be purified. Primarily, I need His truths to pour through my body, spirit and soul and push out all of the lies Satan has been so diligently whispering in my ear for such a long time.



When I hear the lie, "Your sickness keeps you from being a good enough mommy," I need to cling to the scripture:

Romans 8:28 For we that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose

or Philippians 1:6 Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus

Or when the horrible lies that I am alone and on no one understands may I saturate myself in the truth:

Hebrews 4: 15-16 For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with out weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way just as we are - yet he did not sin. Let us then approach God's throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.

Or when I hear Satan whispering that God hates me. How could He love me if I am left in such a humble state?

 Ephesians 3:17-19 And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power... to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love and Christ and ti know this love and surpasses knowledge..."
 
Or doubts about God's presence in my life? Has he forgotten me? Those fears can be pushed out by:

Isaiah 46:34 You whom I have upheld since your birth, and carried since you were born. Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he, I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and rescue you.

or Romans 8:31b If God is for us, who can be against us?

Or the horrible but sometimes unnerving lie that others would be better if I would somehow cease to exist

Psalm 118 I will not die but live, and will proclaim what the Lord has done


I need God's truths to rinse out and push out all of the nasty, gunk that Satan is doing His best to bog down my mind with. I need to keep myself grounded in God's truths and allow them to flow not just on me but in me. It may be a gross image, pushing out the undesirables from the sinus cavity,
But is there anything more disturbing than Satan's lies? Sinus rinse me, God! Flush out the lies and fill me with health, truth and Your love!

I Am A Clay Pot :)

It is of my opinion that we, in the Christian Faith, like to sugar coat our suffering. Somehow we have succumbed to this lie that to suffer, or rather to allow suffering to bother us, to cause us heartache, depression, sadness or frustration is a weakness of character and a lack of faith. When a believer, a son or daughter of God the Father, is about to be beheaded by the jihad, we expect them to raise their hands in praise and squeal with delight, "To God be the glory." When, in reality, I have a feeling they may lie with their face in the ground, tears streaming down their face, hearts sinking with agony as they ask, "Can this cup by taken from me?" Perhaps we don't consciously think this, but when we only give praise to those who offer positive insights during their suffering but remain woefully quiet to those who admit their struggle this seems to be the message we give. But, again, this is only my opinion.

So, as this is my opinion, I do not sugar coat my own suffering. I believe that it is only when we show our cracks, our scars and our battle wounds that others can see that is not our own strength that we survive these times of darkness and loss, but that the One who is greater in me is greater than the one who is in the world (1 John 4.4). 

This summer was hard. I spent most of it lying on my couch in the living room or on a lawn chair in the front yard or back yard. During a twelve week time I visited about one store. A friend allowed me to visit her pool so I went there a few times and lay on her lawn chair and a different friend allowed me the same courtesy. The boys and I found a "private" (not really) beach that was a relatively short drive that I could make on my "good" days where Daxton would drag my lawn chair out and set it up for me (thank you, Jesus, my for 5-yr-old, this summer would have been so much harder without him). And on other "good" days I would bring my lawn chairs to parks where I would watch my boys play. The pain was constant and walking to and from the mailbox was a stretch. The people at Laser Spine could not explain why my level of pain was so great so I spent my summer watching my children play and wishing with every ounce of my being that I could be the wife and mother they deserved. How I would break down and cry, sob because I just wanted to run around the park and chase them, go for a bike ride with them, cook them a meal. And frankly, I was angry with God. 

Time has become a blur but in the not-too-distant past my mom and I rode back to Cincinnati (you should have seen my ride, I was on a patio mat placed on a passenger seat that was laid all the way back with a wedge under my butt) to the Laser Spine Institute. The surgeon had no explanation for my severity of pain and wanted to do a second surgery another level up to decrease the pain as I have degeneration in my back at that level as well. This surgery will cost $20,000. . .  we are still paying off the first surgery. So while only mildly depressed I rode back home (still in supreme luxury), back to my life of lying on the couch, lying on my lawn chair and wishing I had anyone's life but mine.

During this time of trial, I challenged myself to read the Bible when anxiety began to overwhelm me. To be honest, this was often so I read my Bible a lot. A couple of week ago I was reading about King Hezekiah when the Assyrians had laid siege to Jerusalem and the Assyrian King had written a very nasty letter threatening the well being of all of Judah. What struck me was Hezekiah's reaction. He took that letter, went to the temple, lay the letter out before the Lord and prayed. 

Let me put this another way; during what appeared to be a hopeless situation, when Hezekiah was surrounded by gloom, when his enemies were taunting him, Hezekiah lay it all out before the Almighty and said, "Hear me, Oh Lord. Only You can deliver me!" And do you know what? God did.

That night, I spread my health bill before the Lord and let it represent all of my anxieties: all of my health problems, financial problems and fears about how this will affect the adoption and I prayed. And then I wrote down my prayer and I left. And do you know what? I'm a little better!

I can go for short runs. I can go for short walks. I can go to stores for short periods of time and purchase items as long as there is not a long check out line. I am still very limited. I can not lift anything of any weight. I cannot sit for any length of time. Or stand for that matter. Or bend. I probably will still need surgery. But I am grateful! I can drive and drop my son off to school, by myself! We went for a family "hike" on Sunday. It was short, but it was a hike. Did I mention I can go for run (okay, they're more like slow jogs but still).

My husband gave a very wise prayer last week in which he said, "God, we want everything to happen at once but it's not going to work that way. So help us to give praise for the steps. Help us to be thankful for the small things." And I am! I really am!

I began seeing a new doctor this week, one for pain management. This is the first doctor who has looked at me and, rather than asking, "What did you do for your spine to get so degenerated?" she has said, "We need to figure out how your spine has gotten so degenerated!" She thinks I have Osteopenia and if that's true, we can order more tests to find out more that's wrong with me. (Sarcastic, "yea!"). I'm weary of doctor's appointments, testing, bills and asking my mom to drive me to places that are too far for me to drive on my own. I'm tired of asking for people to vacuum my house or cook me meals. I'm tired of waking up and wondering what kind of day I'm going to have. But I'm thankful too. Because I am doing better and I have those friends I can ask to vacuum my house and drive me to Grand Rapids and bring me meals. 

I want God to work through me. He has. It's strange but even with me in this severely degenerated state, He has used me greatly and I feel blessed. So I expose my cracks to you and I hope that through them you can see Him. I am weak, very very very weak but He is oh so strong! 

2 Corinthians 4: 7 - 12
^7-12 If you only look at us, you might well miss the brightness. We carry this precious Message around in the unadorned clay pots of our ordinary lives. That’s to prevent anyone from confusing God’s incomparable power with us. As it is, there’s not much chance of that. You know for yourselves that we’re not much to look at. We’ve been surrounded and battered by troubles, but we’re not demoralized; we’re not sure what to do, but we know that God knows what to do; we’ve been spiritually terrorized, but God hasn’t left our side; we’ve been thrown down, but we haven’t broken. What they did to Jesus, they do to us—trial and torture, mockery and murder; what Jesus did among them, he does in us—he lives! Our lives are at constant risk for Jesus’ sake, which makes Jesus’ life all the more evident in us. While we’re going through the worst, you’re getting in on the best!